It would be an interesting scientific study to see how a woman's brain changes over the years after she has kids. Except for the fact that you'd never know what would have happened had she not had kids. I feel like my brain has atrophied. I used to think about all kinds of things all the time. I had no trouble remembering vast numbers of things - from my schoolwork to my schedule. I came up with ideas about how to change things and accomplish things and organize things.
These days I feel like there's mush in my head. I have a super sense when it comes to my kids - their cries and needs and wants. I can hear what they're doing (or not doing) from the other room or even another floor of the house. It's as if I am connected to them in a way that's almost like they're an extension of my body. I just know them, like I know myself. And while they can surprise me, it doesn't happen very often. Where they are concerned I can adapt fairly quickly, I can anticipate their reactions and change situations before they even know what's happening.
Everything else in life is mush. Even my organizational skills - which I would put at the top of things I'm good at - are faltering. I sat in the family room for 20 minutes today looking at the shelves, trying to figure out a way to rearrange things in our house so that they don't look jammed up. I couldn't do it. Not without adding more sets of shelves somewhere or getting rid of some of the things we have. And it's not that those things aren't valid solutions, it's just that, back in the day, I probably would have just taken everything off the shelves, put it all back on and it would have looked brilliant.
I just feel so lazy. I am defeated before I begin because all I can think about it how much energy I'll expend doing a task. Not that I'm saving it - just that I don't have it to begin with.
I miss having intellectual conversations about philosophy and psychology and the humanities. I don't think I could conjure a reasonable argument now to save my life. People talk and I listen and I think, "Wow, those are amazing thoughts" and I have nothing to contribute. I only half follow what's going on because the minute I process it, it leaves what little brain I have left and I'm left with an echo of what's been said. It's so hard to grasp thoughts and hold them these days. And it's so frustrating because I remember a time when it was easy.
I go back and read my old journals. Sometimes it's pure dribble and I'm embarrassed to have written it, but sometimes I still think I was on to something - or I had at least really put two and two together. And I'm surprised by my own thoughts because I haven't had any like them in quite some time.
Mothers (at least stay at home ones) get a bad rap for being rather boring and uninteresting. All they can talk about is their kids and households. And I've turned into that! I could try to challenge myself by reading books, but I swear I can barely get through picture books these days.
I do research things online quite a bit. I've been asked by people in the medical field if I have a medical background - presumably because I sound like I know what I'm talking about. So it's not as if I have no knowledge. I just feel like I have no depth - no application - no life in my thoughts.
I've been talking to a friend recently who is as vibrant and alive as he was years ago when we were close. I can't really remember what we used to talk about, but I remember talking for hours on the phone and always feeling alive - charged - full of energy and potential after we talked. He still has the ability to make me feel that way, but I also realize even more how much I've changed.
I long to feel the way I used to - not dull and boring. I used to feel like I could argue my way into or out of anything. Like I could find a solution to every problem. Like I could contribute in a positive way to the activities and conversations and lives surrounding me.
I know I am shaping my kids each day with what we do together. And I know that being a parent is one of the most important jobs around - and definitely one of the hardest. It's a huge responsibility. And yet, though there are huge rewards, they come so slowly sometimes, it's very hard to keep my perspective above the floorboards and see anything like the big picture. I'm down in the trenches every day, all day, and my views become very limited and skewed.
I love my life, my kids, my husband, the job I've chosen to do. But inside I am still the person I always have been - one who loved art and music and literature and who loved examining the human condition.
There's a part of me that is not able to be expressed these days. It's inside, sometimes writhing to come out, sometimes dormant, slowly dying. There are many days when I don't even realize it's there. But then, someone touches it - and it's as if I suddenly realize that I'm starving or dying of thirst.
I love my friends - I love hanging out with them - talking about our kids and gossiping (in the nicest way, of course) and laughing at who we've all become. But sometimes I really miss who I used to be.

Already 3:00. Nice. I love having friends over. It makes my days go quickly.
It has gotten to the point where I really need to clean up the basement. Especially if the guys are going to play Rock Band tonight... maybe later.
I cheated - I ate a sandwich with cheese on it and a brownie. Bad me! But it all tasted so good! At least the bread was sprouted.
I could go ahead and put in a load of laundry. There are at least 2 on the floor over here... maybe later.
Why am I so lazy these days? I feel like the house needs a major overhaul. It's not just feeling dirty or messy, it's feeling seriously cluttered. I really hate that feeling. What can I get rid of? More toys? Books? Kitchen stuff? Clothes? I can't wait until it's warm enough to open the house up again. That will help tremendously. Everyone who walks into our house says that it's nice, but I just feel... cramped. Like we're busting at the seams.
Lorelei is sleeping and probably will be for a while since she didn't go down until 2, but Liam went down at 12ish and woke up about 1/2 an hour ago. I'm hoping he goes to bed earlier tonight. I'm sure Lorelei won't, but maybe Molly and Maggie can too. Maybe I'll bring Lorelei down here and clean up tonight.
I didn't make sticky buns for the guys like I'd talked about, so I hope they're not too disappointed. I have stuff to make brownies and we have ice cream and toppings, so at least they have something.
I still have done thank you notes for Christmas.
I need to start planning the kids' birthday party. I can't decide who we're going to invite. I know some people for sure, but it's hard to draw the line with there are other kids in the same "categories", you know?
I need a knick knack shelf in my bedroom. And I think another set of shelves in this room would be helpful. They'd have to be wall mounted, though. I really need white space, but we're rapidly filling it all up. Hence the cluttered, cramped feeling, but I don't know what else to do.
I wish I could build the house I've built in my head. I think it's an awesome house and it would serve us quite nicely. I wish I could draw - I could at least get it down on paper then.
I'm bored.

I feel like crap again today, so instead of doing anything productive, I'm going to blog all day. At least until my children stage a coup and I am forced to take care of them.
I think I've been watching too much Buffy lately. I dreamt about vampires and blood all night long. I think it took me a while to wake up to my kids screaming, since it was incorporated into my dreams. They were up a ridiculous amount last night. I was in with Lorelei twice and Liam once and then they were up this morning at 7. Liam was up at least twice before we actually went to bed. That's about average - 5 times a night between the two of them. Yeah, that's a bit ridiculous. I'm holding out hope that by the end of 2009 all my kids will be sleeping through the night and I might not look like death warmed over every morning.
Right now Lorelei is crying because she's trying to poop, Liam is crying because he climbed up onto the picnic table while it was under the school table and is stuck. Molly and Maggie are up in their room, playing nicely (tea party, I think). I really need to do school with Molly, but I hate interrupting them when they're actually getting along. I really, really. want to take a nap when the little ones go down, but if I wait around to do school, I'll have to do that instead.
I'd like to get the first floor (at least!) cleaned up today - actually CLEANED - since I have friends coming over tomorrow morning. I'm so glad I went ahead and did dishes last night. I hate coming down to a kitchen full of dirty dishes. We had fish for dinner last night, so I had extra motivation. Nothing like coming down to a kitchen full of dirty dishes that smell like fish. Anyway, it's nice to start out with a clean kitchen. Of course, that only lasts until after breakfast.
I've almost gotten through all the laundry. I haven't put a stitch of it away and there are at least two loads that need washed and two others that are clean that need brought upstairs. *sigh* Will my life ever be anything other than dishes and laundry?
What would I do if we didn't have kids? I stopped working because it was too stressful to get pregnant. It wasn't that I didn't like my job, although, at the time there were social issues that were causing problems. I probably would have had to switch, or my marriage would not be in the place it is now. I loved that job, though. Working with all those numbers - all that money! :) I think I'll be an accountant when I grow up. Wish I'd thought of that before I actually grew up...
Now, Molly and Maggie are sitting here logging into Molly's school. Lorelei and Liam are under the school table, fussing about stuff. I checked Molly's school stuff and she doesn't have a ton of stuff - especially stuff that will take time - or require my help. Yay! :) Whatever we don't get done today, though, we'll have to do over the weekend, so I'd like to get most of it done. We're taking tomorrow off, since by the time people leave tomorrow it will be time for naps and the afternoon will be mostly done.
I need a break. I am so excited about my birthday weekend away! I really, really hope nothing happens to prevent it! I'm mostly looking forward to Friday night. The feeling of the freedom of two whole nights and two whole mornings of sleep and almost two whole days of no kids!!
Liam is screaming at me, so I'd better go for now. He's amazing - he can't walk yet, but he can climb onto the top of the school table.

Still quiet (knock on wood)

So, it's 3:18 and I still haven't heard a peep from either of the little ones. They've been asleep now for almost 3 hours!! Molly's back from dance and she and Maggie are playing quietly with moon sand. I've checked my email, had a few conversations, redone my supplements for this week, made Operation not so scary - basically procrastinated like crazy on doing anything really productive - but it's all been done in relative silence!! That's basically unheard of in my house. I'm not sure what to make of it. I'm really hoping this unified long nap thing the L's have going on continues because I like it a lot!! Of course the whole nap things is blown again for today, but that's ok - I'm not as tired as I was yesterday. There are times when I think my antibiotic is finally kicking in.
I fit in to jeans 2 sizes smaller than what I had been wearing today. I was kinda psyched. Maybe I won't have to be totally dumpy for the rest of my life.
My mind is all discombobulated today. I can't focus right now. ttfn!

I really want to be napping right now, but I decided to be responsible and get some more school work done with Molly instead. I'll probably thank myself later, but right now I am so tired I can hardly think straight. I feel crappy. I officially got sick on Friday, went to the clinic on Saturday and got antibiotics, but still feel pretty crappy today. I have to leave in 2 1/2 hours to take Molly to a specialist for her arm. Bob is going to meet me over there and watch the kids in the van (they'll be watching a movie) and then he has a Dr. P appointment at 4:45. So I get to take the kids home and listen to them scream for the next hour until he gets home. I really hate that time of day.
I should be doing laundry, but it's been all I can do to get the dishes done. I still need to make bottles and pack a diaper bag. And figure out some way to take hot water so Bob can make bottles, if necessary. I need to buy a thermos of some sort because I've often wanted to take hot water for bottles and end up making them with lukewarm water and sometimes that's ok with the kids and sometimes it's not. He'll probably end up driving them around anyway. Hopefully the appointment won't take too long.
Ug. I hate being this tired. I can hear my bed calling to me. At some point I need to get a shower in. I should have done it right when the kids went to bed, but I had been planning on taking a nap and then decided to do school with Molly instead. Blah. I should have taken a nap...
Molly is a big complainer. Spanking doesn't seem to affect it at all. I'm not sure what to do. It's like she can't keep her mouth shut to save her life. No amount of threatening (or follow through) helps. She has no logic when it comes to time management. She seems to be slow in gaining logic about anything. It's extremely frustrating because you can't reason with a person who doesn't understand logic.
I just want to pass out. But the little ones have been already been asleep for almost 2 hours and I know the minute I'd fall asleep they'd wake up and I'd feel worse than I do now. I made my second cup of tea for the day with caffeine in hopes that I'll feel a little bit better. I hate driving when I feel like this. I have to fight sleep the entire time and I don't feel safe.
I need something new to read. (Anyone, if you're looking for a birthday present, pay attention...) I have a bunch of books on my wish list - in the highest priority setting - that I would love to have. LMMontgomery is a wonderful author to read during the winter. Well, I love her any time, but she's a cozy author.
I hear Lorelei. Good thing I didn't give in a lay down. (I never can remember when you use lay and lie. I think lay is when you put something down and lie is when you sleep, but I'm not sure...) Anyway. Now the question is, do I wait for Liam to wake up to or put Lorelei in the jonny jump up and risk him waking up. If I wait, he goes in the jump up and she gets strapped into her high chair. I will love it when I can take a shower in peace without having to worry about the kids killing themselves or each other.
ttfn.

New Year's Resolution

So, my big New Year's Resolution is... not to make any resolutions. No goals, no deadlines (unless they are imposed on me from the outside). I am going to plod through my boring life, doing whatever it is that needs to be done without a thought to finishing by a certain time or day or event.
So I guess the plan to have my house spotless, the finances done and dinners in the fridge/freezer by my birthday has to go out the window...