Enter the group video game experience. Online, no less, so you don't even have to be in the same room... it's own kind of drug.
But, be proud of me, I handed the guitar over to my hubby and am going to read a book in bed with a hot cup of tea.
5.9.08
Sick
I think I'm sick. I feel like crap. I slept all afternoon and didn't even realize it. The phone rang 3 times and I didn't hear it. I do remember Molly coming in and waking me up to ask me for something to eat, but other than that I was out of it.
Molly is pitching a fit at her sister for something or other at the moment. I get so tired of hearing her voice sometimes. Does that make me a horrible mom? (Among all the other things that make me a horrible mom...)
Maybe I'll be able to go to bed early tonight. I still haven't done anymore laundry. I think I am officially out of underwear.
Molly is pitching a fit at her sister for something or other at the moment. I get so tired of hearing her voice sometimes. Does that make me a horrible mom? (Among all the other things that make me a horrible mom...)
Maybe I'll be able to go to bed early tonight. I still haven't done anymore laundry. I think I am officially out of underwear.
ttfn
I have a new vice. Star Trek The Next Generation (yes, I'm a geek). I've seen most of the episodes, but now I get to watch them all in order from 1 to whatever. Yay! :) I got exactly 2 loads of laundry done tonight. Go me. I have to get it done this weekend, that's all there is to it!
ttfn, because I'm going to be very tired for my doctor's appointment tomorrow. Maybe the doctor will give me some drugs!!
ttfn, because I'm going to be very tired for my doctor's appointment tomorrow. Maybe the doctor will give me some drugs!!
4.9.08
Fell off the wagon
Playing Rock Band with my siblings and kids. Yikes... just realized it's 9 pm and the girls are still up...
Fresh Air
I am so much happier when my windows are opened. Now that I'm not pregnant, I don't even mind the heat inside so much. I feel more free. I can't explain it. Not to mention that the house doesn't smell like b.o. and bad breath and dirty diapers and leftover food when it's opened up. Maybe we should move to southern California.
Kill Two Birds
My post title is not a command, btw...
The kids came in from outside hot and filthy and since I've decided to throw rules out the window I asked them if they wanted to take a bath. While they've been getting clean, I've been cleaning the upstairs quite easily because they're happily occupied. Actually... with all the soapy water they've splashed out, the bathroom is getting clean too, so maybe I ought to change the title to "Kill Three Birds"... (to which my lovely hubby will reply "It's going to be kill three girls if the bathtub falls through the floor because the floor is rotted through due to water damage.")
The kids came in from outside hot and filthy and since I've decided to throw rules out the window I asked them if they wanted to take a bath. While they've been getting clean, I've been cleaning the upstairs quite easily because they're happily occupied. Actually... with all the soapy water they've splashed out, the bathroom is getting clean too, so maybe I ought to change the title to "Kill Three Birds"... (to which my lovely hubby will reply "It's going to be kill three girls if the bathtub falls through the floor because the floor is rotted through due to water damage.")
Previous Post
While it might be true, it wasn't written by me! My new "website administrator" deemed it necessary to post a "test".
Pride
I think pride is the greatest failing of the human race. No matter what we believe, nothing we did brought us into existence. Whether we believe God created us or we're just a product of unprotected sex, the fact remains that we had nothing to do with our own creation. We may "take our lives and make something of them". I'm not denying that accomplishments deserve recognition. People overcome great obstacles and make great contributions. But we still have very limited control over whether or not our hearts beat or our lungs draw breath. Now, if we do believe in God, then we have someone to be grateful to. If we don't, well, I guess we just cross our fingers. But fundamentally, we don't deserve anything as human beings. No matter what we should just be grateful to be alive and live accordingly. When we decide, in our prideful minds, that we deserve something better than what we have, problems arise. Whether it's the jealous boyfriend who murders or the greedy bank robber who steals or the desperate housewife who complains, it all stems from discontent over a life for which we were given freely.
Of course I'm speaking to myself because I have a very good life. I have the fundamentals - food, water, shelter, clothing - and much, much more, so who am I to complain?
Pride can be so easily hidden in phrases like "self actualization" and "self esteem", concepts that aren't hideous, just overrated. While I agree that having a proper self image is important, focusing on oneself doesn't help us relate to other people or see outside our circumstances.
Laziness is my next big issue because, not only do I think my life should be easier, I don't think I should have to do much to accomplish it. (I don't really consciously think that, but it's how I act and it's what my attitudes portray.) It would be nice if life would just fall into place. But, I guess God decided I could learn more from working.
Anyway, the point of this whole thing is to remind myself to be grateful. I don't feel like I was brought up "looking on the bright side" or, in other words, being thankful for what I have, not focusing on what I don't have or what I want. It's something I've tried to consciously work on for the past year or two - with limited success. There was a time when, even when my day was going well, I wouldn't be aware enough to be thankful for it. Most of the time now, I am. But when the going gets tough, it's very hard for me to remember that there are a myriad of things to be thankful for every minute. Just my life - my existence, when you get right down to it. It's a very hard place to stay in.
Of course I'm speaking to myself because I have a very good life. I have the fundamentals - food, water, shelter, clothing - and much, much more, so who am I to complain?
Pride can be so easily hidden in phrases like "self actualization" and "self esteem", concepts that aren't hideous, just overrated. While I agree that having a proper self image is important, focusing on oneself doesn't help us relate to other people or see outside our circumstances.
Laziness is my next big issue because, not only do I think my life should be easier, I don't think I should have to do much to accomplish it. (I don't really consciously think that, but it's how I act and it's what my attitudes portray.) It would be nice if life would just fall into place. But, I guess God decided I could learn more from working.
Anyway, the point of this whole thing is to remind myself to be grateful. I don't feel like I was brought up "looking on the bright side" or, in other words, being thankful for what I have, not focusing on what I don't have or what I want. It's something I've tried to consciously work on for the past year or two - with limited success. There was a time when, even when my day was going well, I wouldn't be aware enough to be thankful for it. Most of the time now, I am. But when the going gets tough, it's very hard for me to remember that there are a myriad of things to be thankful for every minute. Just my life - my existence, when you get right down to it. It's a very hard place to stay in.
Life
Lol. So at least one of my friends thinks I have a problem. I forget how many people in how many different walks of life I know... and that all of them have the potential to read this blog. I'm not a careful journaler (as I've said before) - I tend to brain dump. I'm not really a private person either, so that can lead to a lot of "way too much information". (And yet, I have kept myself from writing things, knowing that there are people who just really wouldn't want to know... how scary is that?)
~Maggie is swinging around my chair ramming her head into my ribs every time she does. One of the many things I go through on a daily basis that, most of the time, don't have a voice put to them.~
Anyway... back to my addiction and lack of responsibility. I've become extremely lazy. Whether that's a product of being in pain and being exhausted all the time or just the slow decline of my moral compass (or both) I don't know. In any case, I'm far from where I was about 2 years ago. I know it started with being pregnant with Lorelei and having that pregnancy and recovery be really hard and then getting pregnant with Liam so soon (and having Lorelei be such a cranky, demanding baby). I guess the real question is, how do I get back to the way I was without turning into a complete b****? I'm not sure I can without ignoring my children (which I refuse to do - anymore than I already do) and husband and focusing so much on myself and the house that it's not worth it. I have no balance in my life.
I feel like I need to make some fundamental changes in my personal habits and daily routine. Build in some discipline again. Things that will help me keep on top of stuff. Ugh, though. The very thought of putting forth the effort just makes me want to crawl in bed and never come out. Not even the knowledge that I will feel better in the end means anything to me.
I feel like my life is so full of doing things for other people that when it comes to games and TV and things like that - that's me time, the only time I get (although I feel like I steal it most of the time). What will I have left if I go to bed every night at nine (when the kids have been going to bed at 8 or later)? What is fun about chores all day, kids all day? Not that my kids aren't amusing, but I need some adult time as well.
It's just so frustrating when I spend most of my time doing things like cleaning up messes that didn't need to be made, fixing things that shouldn't have been broken, running back and forth from one kids to the next over and over and over again. I know this is all part of being a mom - and that's fine, but I need a break and a distraction too. I can't live that like, submersed in that, all the time.
I used to think I was a self disciplined person, but I never have been. I used to make schedules all the time and never follow through with them. I'm organized in my mind (or I can be), but not in my person. And yet, I add things to my life, things a normal person should be able to do, that just make the situation worse. Things that require even more self discipline and schedule and routine.
People used to get on me for being so anal about routine and schedule and stuff and I gave in and decided that they were right and I was too strict and that I was going to relax. I should have just been my own person and said screw you because I'd be better off today. I don't know if my kids are happier this way or not. I'm not really sure they are. But I know I'm not. What's wrong with being scheduled?
But now, we've gone so far in the opposite direction, it'll be like climbing a mountain to get back to a decent starting place.
~The whole time I've been writing, Maggie has been standing next to me saying how she wants a tree house in our house with a a slide attached and that she really wants it now because she would love it. Also we saw some (hideously tacky) blow up Halloween stuff at Costco the other day and she would really like that to play with. That would be the best.~
I'm too tired to think about it today. I'll think about it tomorrow.
~Maggie is swinging around my chair ramming her head into my ribs every time she does. One of the many things I go through on a daily basis that, most of the time, don't have a voice put to them.~
Anyway... back to my addiction and lack of responsibility. I've become extremely lazy. Whether that's a product of being in pain and being exhausted all the time or just the slow decline of my moral compass (or both) I don't know. In any case, I'm far from where I was about 2 years ago. I know it started with being pregnant with Lorelei and having that pregnancy and recovery be really hard and then getting pregnant with Liam so soon (and having Lorelei be such a cranky, demanding baby). I guess the real question is, how do I get back to the way I was without turning into a complete b****? I'm not sure I can without ignoring my children (which I refuse to do - anymore than I already do) and husband and focusing so much on myself and the house that it's not worth it. I have no balance in my life.
I feel like I need to make some fundamental changes in my personal habits and daily routine. Build in some discipline again. Things that will help me keep on top of stuff. Ugh, though. The very thought of putting forth the effort just makes me want to crawl in bed and never come out. Not even the knowledge that I will feel better in the end means anything to me.
I feel like my life is so full of doing things for other people that when it comes to games and TV and things like that - that's me time, the only time I get (although I feel like I steal it most of the time). What will I have left if I go to bed every night at nine (when the kids have been going to bed at 8 or later)? What is fun about chores all day, kids all day? Not that my kids aren't amusing, but I need some adult time as well.
It's just so frustrating when I spend most of my time doing things like cleaning up messes that didn't need to be made, fixing things that shouldn't have been broken, running back and forth from one kids to the next over and over and over again. I know this is all part of being a mom - and that's fine, but I need a break and a distraction too. I can't live that like, submersed in that, all the time.
I used to think I was a self disciplined person, but I never have been. I used to make schedules all the time and never follow through with them. I'm organized in my mind (or I can be), but not in my person. And yet, I add things to my life, things a normal person should be able to do, that just make the situation worse. Things that require even more self discipline and schedule and routine.
People used to get on me for being so anal about routine and schedule and stuff and I gave in and decided that they were right and I was too strict and that I was going to relax. I should have just been my own person and said screw you because I'd be better off today. I don't know if my kids are happier this way or not. I'm not really sure they are. But I know I'm not. What's wrong with being scheduled?
But now, we've gone so far in the opposite direction, it'll be like climbing a mountain to get back to a decent starting place.
~The whole time I've been writing, Maggie has been standing next to me saying how she wants a tree house in our house with a a slide attached and that she really wants it now because she would love it. Also we saw some (hideously tacky) blow up Halloween stuff at Costco the other day and she would really like that to play with. That would be the best.~
I'm too tired to think about it today. I'll think about it tomorrow.
Buffy
Stayed up too late watching Buffy (after playing Rock Band). Am wondering if I'm revisiting my irresponsible teenage years or something. Am looking at LOADS of laundry needing to be done and a house needing to be cleaned. Think I'll sleep in in the morning and repeat Rock Band and Buffy as desired. :)
2.9.08
Why in heaven's name did I decide to home school Molly? (Even as I type that, I know the answer. Even with all the frustration and stress the idea of taking her someplace else causes even more...) Seriously, though, little frustrates me more than technology that won't work.
I've been skirting the edge of a breakdown for a while now and I think this morning might have tipped the scales. I can't stand my house being a mess. I can't stand being so tired I have no motivation to do anything (not even fun things!). I'm sick of perpetually being behind on things I need (and want) to get done. I just hate this.
For a year and a half now we've been stagnant. Just sitting around waiting for life to get easier. I'm beginning to think it's not going to and nothing is going to change unless I pull energy from somewhere and just work myself into the ground. I was so tempted to pop a vicodin today, just because I knew it would make me feel spacey and not care so much about everything that's going on. I think at heart I'm a drug addict.
I don't know how people can be completely devoted to their children and get anything else in life accomplished. It's not like my kids don't help me or hang out with me while I'm doing things, but I get interrupted all the time. And that's more tiring that just working full tilt until the job is done.
I hate clutter. Crap just everywhere. It doesn't matter if it's "organized" or put away where you can't see it. I hate stuff that sits around, not being used, collecting dust, taking up space. If I got rid of everything we haven't used within the past year, I bet I'd cut our "stuff" down by at least half. Where's the balance between the stuff that you don't use often, but is worth having when you do and the stuff that isn't?
It's 1/4 after 12 and I've gotten exactly nothing accomplished today. I spent 2 hours wasting my time trying to get school going for Molly. I'm sorry but I can't sit around waiting 10 minutes for pages to load (if they load at all). I got a shower. Whoop-de-do. At least I won't stink when I take Maggie to the doctor's this afternoon.
Yes, she's sick... again. If she ever got well to begin with. I swear she's been sick for the past year. I'm so tired of seeing her with tears in her eyes because she's so stuffy they have no where else to drain. I'm tired of hearing her say her throat hurts. I'm tired of hearing her say she's tired. I'm tired of hearing her say she hurts. Why, with all the technology and advancements, we can't make a little girl have a childhood that she'll enjoy looking back on?
And I'm beginning to hate this house because it's sapping energy and time out of our family. It's so hard to get anything done with the two little ones and it takes forever to do things like yard work (lol because I haven't done anything with the yard in over 2 years). I just want to move someplace where I can get things done without having to go up and down two flights of stairs 50 times a day.
And, while I'm complaining about everything, would it be too much to ask for my kids to sleep through the night once in a while? I was up at least every hour last night until 5:30 when I finally HAD to sleep and just didn't respond when Liam started crying. So Bob finally got up with him. How am I expected to get anything done when I don't get any sleep?
I just can't take life the way it is, the way it has been, anymore. Something has got to change now. I just don't know how it's going to happen.
I've been skirting the edge of a breakdown for a while now and I think this morning might have tipped the scales. I can't stand my house being a mess. I can't stand being so tired I have no motivation to do anything (not even fun things!). I'm sick of perpetually being behind on things I need (and want) to get done. I just hate this.
For a year and a half now we've been stagnant. Just sitting around waiting for life to get easier. I'm beginning to think it's not going to and nothing is going to change unless I pull energy from somewhere and just work myself into the ground. I was so tempted to pop a vicodin today, just because I knew it would make me feel spacey and not care so much about everything that's going on. I think at heart I'm a drug addict.
I don't know how people can be completely devoted to their children and get anything else in life accomplished. It's not like my kids don't help me or hang out with me while I'm doing things, but I get interrupted all the time. And that's more tiring that just working full tilt until the job is done.
I hate clutter. Crap just everywhere. It doesn't matter if it's "organized" or put away where you can't see it. I hate stuff that sits around, not being used, collecting dust, taking up space. If I got rid of everything we haven't used within the past year, I bet I'd cut our "stuff" down by at least half. Where's the balance between the stuff that you don't use often, but is worth having when you do and the stuff that isn't?
It's 1/4 after 12 and I've gotten exactly nothing accomplished today. I spent 2 hours wasting my time trying to get school going for Molly. I'm sorry but I can't sit around waiting 10 minutes for pages to load (if they load at all). I got a shower. Whoop-de-do. At least I won't stink when I take Maggie to the doctor's this afternoon.
Yes, she's sick... again. If she ever got well to begin with. I swear she's been sick for the past year. I'm so tired of seeing her with tears in her eyes because she's so stuffy they have no where else to drain. I'm tired of hearing her say her throat hurts. I'm tired of hearing her say she's tired. I'm tired of hearing her say she hurts. Why, with all the technology and advancements, we can't make a little girl have a childhood that she'll enjoy looking back on?
And I'm beginning to hate this house because it's sapping energy and time out of our family. It's so hard to get anything done with the two little ones and it takes forever to do things like yard work (lol because I haven't done anything with the yard in over 2 years). I just want to move someplace where I can get things done without having to go up and down two flights of stairs 50 times a day.
And, while I'm complaining about everything, would it be too much to ask for my kids to sleep through the night once in a while? I was up at least every hour last night until 5:30 when I finally HAD to sleep and just didn't respond when Liam started crying. So Bob finally got up with him. How am I expected to get anything done when I don't get any sleep?
I just can't take life the way it is, the way it has been, anymore. Something has got to change now. I just don't know how it's going to happen.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)