Life

Lol. So at least one of my friends thinks I have a problem. I forget how many people in how many different walks of life I know... and that all of them have the potential to read this blog. I'm not a careful journaler (as I've said before) - I tend to brain dump. I'm not really a private person either, so that can lead to a lot of "way too much information". (And yet, I have kept myself from writing things, knowing that there are people who just really wouldn't want to know... how scary is that?)

~Maggie is swinging around my chair ramming her head into my ribs every time she does. One of the many things I go through on a daily basis that, most of the time, don't have a voice put to them.~

Anyway... back to my addiction and lack of responsibility. I've become extremely lazy. Whether that's a product of being in pain and being exhausted all the time or just the slow decline of my moral compass (or both) I don't know. In any case, I'm far from where I was about 2 years ago. I know it started with being pregnant with Lorelei and having that pregnancy and recovery be really hard and then getting pregnant with Liam so soon (and having Lorelei be such a cranky, demanding baby). I guess the real question is, how do I get back to the way I was without turning into a complete b****? I'm not sure I can without ignoring my children (which I refuse to do - anymore than I already do) and husband and focusing so much on myself and the house that it's not worth it. I have no balance in my life.

I feel like I need to make some fundamental changes in my personal habits and daily routine. Build in some discipline again. Things that will help me keep on top of stuff. Ugh, though. The very thought of putting forth the effort just makes me want to crawl in bed and never come out. Not even the knowledge that I will feel better in the end means anything to me.

I feel like my life is so full of doing things for other people that when it comes to games and TV and things like that - that's me time, the only time I get (although I feel like I steal it most of the time). What will I have left if I go to bed every night at nine (when the kids have been going to bed at 8 or later)? What is fun about chores all day, kids all day? Not that my kids aren't amusing, but I need some adult time as well.

It's just so frustrating when I spend most of my time doing things like cleaning up messes that didn't need to be made, fixing things that shouldn't have been broken, running back and forth from one kids to the next over and over and over again. I know this is all part of being a mom - and that's fine, but I need a break and a distraction too. I can't live that like, submersed in that, all the time.

I used to think I was a self disciplined person, but I never have been. I used to make schedules all the time and never follow through with them. I'm organized in my mind (or I can be), but not in my person. And yet, I add things to my life, things a normal person should be able to do, that just make the situation worse. Things that require even more self discipline and schedule and routine.

People used to get on me for being so anal about routine and schedule and stuff and I gave in and decided that they were right and I was too strict and that I was going to relax. I should have just been my own person and said screw you because I'd be better off today. I don't know if my kids are happier this way or not. I'm not really sure they are. But I know I'm not. What's wrong with being scheduled?

But now, we've gone so far in the opposite direction, it'll be like climbing a mountain to get back to a decent starting place.

~The whole time I've been writing, Maggie has been standing next to me saying how she wants a tree house in our house with a a slide attached and that she really wants it now because she would love it. Also we saw some (hideously tacky) blow up Halloween stuff at Costco the other day and she would really like that to play with. That would be the best.~

I'm too tired to think about it today. I'll think about it tomorrow.