Vicodin makes me want to talk. It also makes me very affectionate. I constantly find myself reining in my comments to people. No need to tell friends how much you love them, honestly.
I'm bored. I'm in pain, so I can't do much, but I'm bored. Mentally I feel completely stagnate, yet unable to think clearly. Emotionally I'm pretty much a wreck, so I've withdrawn from myself. Crying makes my stomach hurt so I really don't want to do that too much.
I've been thinking about reorganizing our photo files on the computer because they're a wreck, but I'm not sure I have the mental capacity right now. It's a big job and I have to stay focused and that seems pretty unlikely at this point.
The little kids are supposed to be sleeping but neither of them are. Liam is pounding on his xylophone and Lorelei is talking to herself.
I slept all morning, trying to sleep through the pain and then took a shower and now, after being up for only an hour, I could sleep again. I hate sleeping during the day, though. I mean, naps are nice, but losing all that daylight really messes me up.
I have only one more day of Bob being home and then somehow on Monday I have to do it alone. I can't even fathom. I feel like I've been removed from the world for the past 3 days. And just think - I have it all to look forward to again in a few weeks. I'll be drug addict by then.
Ever feel like this life means nothing? Like we go through all these experiences and for what? We die - go to heaven or hell - and that's it. I know it's supposed to be for the glory of God, but God wins anyway. He already has. In the end there is Heaven and there is God and while following his rules while alive on earth makes life a lot more pleasant, in the end it doesn't seem to amount to much. His will is done anyway. The ones He calls are taken to Heaven. The ones he doesn't are sent to Hell. What is the point of it all?
I do the same things day in and day out and when I can't for a few days it gets done anyway, albeit differently than I do it. I enjoy my life - my simple, domestic life. It's comfortable for me - but what is the purpose? A lot of what I do - what I am drawn to do - is interact with people. But to what end?
I have observed that we are created to make connections. No one wants to be alone. Everyone is looking for people who feel the same way they do about things. Some people seem to need it more than others, but even the most stoic enjoy company. These connections can serve three purposes: to glorify God, to glorify others, or to glorify yourself. By glorify I don't necessarily mean in a bad way. I don't think there's anything wrong with building each other up, although it can become quite narcissistic.
When it's simplified like that, it seems rather shallow. Not that it can't be a good time, but in the end, it's just a way to pass the time. Eternity, eternal meaning, seems hard to come by. When it comes down to it, it seems like I do things because I want to. Because it feels good on some level (even chores feel good when they're accomplished). Even glorifying God comes with personal rewards - good feelings, perhaps even recognition from peers. The more I think about it, the more shallow this life seems to be.
What did God intend when he created the Garden of Eden? Before the fall? What were we supposed to do? Just be his companions? His children? Just live together enjoying our surroundings - to what purpose?? Just... to do it? In that case I feel like we have more of a purpose now than we did then. At least now the earth needs to be kept under control.
I will continue doing what I do for the rest of my life. Cleaning, organizing, taking care of various things. Doing things I enjoy like reading, writing, photography, daydreaming. And I will always come back to why. Maybe when I get to Heaven God will be able to show me some eternal effect my existence had. If there is one. Maybe there isn't. Wouldn't that be a good joke?
11.2.10
The Other Side
So, I had my surgery this morning. And while, in and of itself, the surgery went well, I got some not so great news.
I've been diagnosed with Stage IV endometriosis. [ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endometriosis ] (I know there are worse sentences, but it means another surgery for me and continued pain as well as some other risks/complications.) I guess it's hard to see endometriosis on scanning devices, so it's often found through surgery. The doctor said I probably had a tumor that had been there for quite a while because it was nercropic. [ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Necrosis ] The idea that, yes, my insides really WERE turning into black, gelatinous goo is a bit disturbing.
My doctor said the mass was so large and funky that he thought it was cancer. It was sent to the lab and it is NOT cancerous, but that was a scary revelation as well. The idea that something so deadly can grow inside with such small (in relation) symptoms. I am very grateful it is not, but continue to be frightened that it could be.
I will be having at least one other surgery to remove the rest of my reproductive organs and anything else that's growing in there. While I don't relish the idea of another surgery it is much better than the other option - doing nothing and letting the endometriosis take over my body. I like the idea of all this pain going away. I'm so thankful that I have my four wonderful children now - before I had any sort of diagnosis - since, obviously, I won't be able to have anymore after this.
The removal of all my reproductive organs means early menopause, of course. I have no idea what to expect from this. I don't know if I'll have to start any therapies or what. Psychologically I'm fairly fine with the idea, although, the idea of not being ABLE to have anymore children has hurt. Even though I wasn't planning on it anyway.
I have a post op appointment on March 2nd, where I'll learn more. I was so out of it when the doctor stopped by this afternoon I couldn't retain much information. My incisions had to be larger than they thought to accommodate taking such a large mass out, so my pain is a bit more than they'd anticipated as well. They gave me a lot of pain meds in the hospital and vicodin (what else?!?) to take at home as I need it. Since I've had c-sections, I can say this ISN'T the worst pain I've ever felt, but I do feel pretty crappy! :)
I'm grateful for everyone's prayers. I was at the hospital by myself today (due to the weather, Bob dropped me off and stayed home with the kids and my parents brought me home from the hospital - it took them that long to dig out!) but, while it was scary, it could have been worse. All the nurses and doctors were really nice and efficient and skilled - which is nice because it meant hardly any waiting around and no botching of procedures like getting the IV started. I'm also hooked up with my favorite OB of the entire entity of Hershey Med. He's a wonderful doctor - very sympathetic and very much a people person.
So, aside from some lingering fear about cancer and upcoming surgeries, I'm walking away from the other side feeling better. Relieved that they have a diagnosis, relieved that it wasn't all in my head! :) And not feeling too miserable. :)
I've been diagnosed with Stage IV endometriosis. [ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endometriosis ] (I know there are worse sentences, but it means another surgery for me and continued pain as well as some other risks/complications.) I guess it's hard to see endometriosis on scanning devices, so it's often found through surgery. The doctor said I probably had a tumor that had been there for quite a while because it was nercropic. [ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Necrosis ] The idea that, yes, my insides really WERE turning into black, gelatinous goo is a bit disturbing.
My doctor said the mass was so large and funky that he thought it was cancer. It was sent to the lab and it is NOT cancerous, but that was a scary revelation as well. The idea that something so deadly can grow inside with such small (in relation) symptoms. I am very grateful it is not, but continue to be frightened that it could be.
I will be having at least one other surgery to remove the rest of my reproductive organs and anything else that's growing in there. While I don't relish the idea of another surgery it is much better than the other option - doing nothing and letting the endometriosis take over my body. I like the idea of all this pain going away. I'm so thankful that I have my four wonderful children now - before I had any sort of diagnosis - since, obviously, I won't be able to have anymore after this.
The removal of all my reproductive organs means early menopause, of course. I have no idea what to expect from this. I don't know if I'll have to start any therapies or what. Psychologically I'm fairly fine with the idea, although, the idea of not being ABLE to have anymore children has hurt. Even though I wasn't planning on it anyway.
I have a post op appointment on March 2nd, where I'll learn more. I was so out of it when the doctor stopped by this afternoon I couldn't retain much information. My incisions had to be larger than they thought to accommodate taking such a large mass out, so my pain is a bit more than they'd anticipated as well. They gave me a lot of pain meds in the hospital and vicodin (what else?!?) to take at home as I need it. Since I've had c-sections, I can say this ISN'T the worst pain I've ever felt, but I do feel pretty crappy! :)
I'm grateful for everyone's prayers. I was at the hospital by myself today (due to the weather, Bob dropped me off and stayed home with the kids and my parents brought me home from the hospital - it took them that long to dig out!) but, while it was scary, it could have been worse. All the nurses and doctors were really nice and efficient and skilled - which is nice because it meant hardly any waiting around and no botching of procedures like getting the IV started. I'm also hooked up with my favorite OB of the entire entity of Hershey Med. He's a wonderful doctor - very sympathetic and very much a people person.
So, aside from some lingering fear about cancer and upcoming surgeries, I'm walking away from the other side feeling better. Relieved that they have a diagnosis, relieved that it wasn't all in my head! :) And not feeling too miserable. :)
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