End of Day

I did my morning glory project today - dug up the ones that were withering in the dirt (that's going to be covered anyway) - repotted them and placed them by the fence. I hope they live and flourish and cover the whole fence with gorgeous flowers. And I hope the horses don't eat them.

I went to see my grandmother. Her face looks skeletal. She's barely conscious. I hope she passes soon. It's wearying for everyone - most of all her.

I'm alone tonight. Bob's out playing games. Faith and Angel left. The kids are in bed (in theory). I'm probably going to walk around taking pictures. I love the light this time of night.

Took pics, processed them. My brain works so much better these days. I finally (after years of use) figured out how to do everything I want to do with my pics in Picasa alone. Now I just have to do it. Lots of reorg happening. But in the end I'll have a really nice photo gallery.

Impending Doom

I just wanted to mention as well... I've learned to trust Bob's impressions of the future - his feelings that something should be held lightly because it's probably not going to happen or that something bad is happening or will happen. Anyway. He's had one such impression about our tenth anniversary trip. Which is what prompted me thinking so much about death (that and my grandmother) in the first place.

Research

I've already blogged about what might be causing my sudden shift if perspective and mental state. I've done more research and I'm more convinced than ever that all the things I mentioned are contributing factors. The one I'm hoping isn't a main contribution is the Prednisone because I finished that yesterday. Guess we'll see. In the meantime, I'm enjoying another gorgeous day. :)

In other news, my grandmother is very close to the end of her life. Faith and I will be going to see her this afternoon. I hope she passes quickly and easily. She deserves to rest.

The Final Piece

I woke up at 5:30 this morning *knowing* that I'm going to die before our tenth anniversary. That that's why I'm having this sudden clarity and alertness. It's an overwhelming thought. I'm not afraid to die. I know I'm going to Heaven. But I don't want to leave my kids. The idea of preparing them for my death is heartbreaking. Just last night Maggie said to me while I was singing her to sleep, "I couldn't live without you, Mommy." My death is the epitome of all of Molly's fears. My kids love me. But I know they don't NEED me. Not in the sense that they literally couldn't live without me. Life will go on. They will adjust and move on and live full lives. But the sadness would be there for a long time. No doubt there'd be impact and I don't want that for them. I asked God if it could be changed. I told Him I couldn't promise anything - I have nothing to bargain with. Any promises I make as far as my goodness or service will be broken. All I can do is WANT to serve Him for the rest of my life, in this moment. Not just because I'd rather not die young, but because I truly love Him and believe that He is the only way to live. I was thinking about ways that I could best serve. The thing I keep coming back to is children and people. Opening our home to ones who need our stability and comfort. Regardless of whether or not I'm really going to die, I need to prepare my kids for death. I've told them before that they have lots of people who love them and if I die, they'll be taken care of. They know the practicals. But emotionally - they need to understand that it really will be ok. That missing me is ok, but that their love me for me can't be more than their love for God and the greater purpose of living life for Him. They need to learn to accept death as a part of life - and that it could come at any moment. And not to be afraid of it or live under the presence of it's shadow, but make sure each day counts fully towards love and service of God and other people. There's a balance to be achieved. I think God wants us to enjoy the life He's given us - all the things He's created - all the things He's given us brains to create. But running through it all is a togetherness, with Him and with our fellow human beings. Always pointing each other back to God and love and admiration for Him. It's a very simple concept, really. As with so many other things, it's a heart attitude and bent, not necessarily a practical 'this is what you physically need to do' sort of thing. There are so many things in this world that are neither right or wrong in and of themselves. It's so easy to fall down into the sandy particles of legalistic thinking. It's confusing down there. And it doesn't need to be. You don't even need to be down there. None of the particulars matter all that much. When you live with the right attitude, the weeding process becomes fairly simple. The tug comes when you want something that isn't necessarily wrong, but you know isn't what God wants for you. Giving that thing up, though it seems silly because it *isn't* really wrong, can be really, really hard. I've found, though, that when you truly give things up to God, He tends to give you what you want in the end. And it's for this reason that by the time I woke up again this morning, I wasn't so sure I was going to die young. It might happen, it might not. But in the end, it doesn't matter because my life truly belongs to God.

Brain Dump over Lunch

I'm not sure why I'm so motivated to weed lately, but I weeded our front "flower bed" and the side "flower beds". Nothing really grows in the front bed. It doesn't get enough rain. So I'm thinking a bird house, bird feeder and a lot of mulch is in order. The side bed has mint in it, but it's in need of help. It's a nice deep bed, so I'm thinking we should fill it up with lots of good dirt and have ourselves a little veggie garden. The other one can stay a rock pile, for all I care. All the beds on the other side of the house have been taken over by ivy and that's fine by me as well. Less maintenance. Except for the creek bank, I suddenly feel like I'm in control of our property again. Now, if only we had the money to buy all that dirt and mulch and flowers and veggies... I still haven't moved or bagged the weeds from yesterday. I should probably get on that.

I can't wait till next summer. Trees and outdoor furniture is on the agenda! :) I'd like something comfy for the front porch and a big picnic table for the backyard. And half a dozen fast growing shade trees. Tulip Poplar, Summer Red Maple, Autumn Blaze Maple, Hybrid Poplar. Sounds nice to me. Poplar and Maple trees are pretty in the fall too. Lots of photographing opportunities!

I'm full of energy today. I'd like to go down and start pruning the creek bank, but I don't know if I can trust the girls to behave and listen for Liam (who's napping). I have to remember to treat the pool tonight. It's getting cloudy. And I want to dig up the morning glories that are withering in our dirt pile and replant them. I love morning glories. I wonder if I planted them along the fence if the horses would eat them?

I still have a slight headache with the potential for it to get bad again at a moments notice. It's all about the muscles at the base of my skull. I think I need new pillows for my bed. I wish I could get feather pillows, but Bob is allergic, even if he doesn't sleep on it. :( I love the feather pillows at our hotel. I sleep with all eight of them surrounding me like a nest. It's like sleeping on clouds.

I absolutely cannot wait until our long weekend away in September. Three whole lovely nights of uninterrupted sleep and waking up naturally in the morning. After that we have to wait until the end of January again. But next May, for our tenth anniversary, we will be going on a REAL getaway. The 19th is on a Thursday, so we'll be leaving Thursday and coming back Monday. Which leaves Friday, Saturday and Sunday as WHOLE DAYS to do whatever and Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night AND Sunday night to SLEEP. Five days and four nights. I want to go to the beach. I don't care if it's just to the closest beach around here. The crowds shouldn't be too bad and even if the water's too cold to get in, I'll just sit in the sand and sun with my eyes closed and sense the wonderfulness of the world around me. And spend hours taking pictures, of course. :)

Random Thoughts

I spent about 4 hours pulling weeds. It's a far cry from done, but it's much better than it was. It was physically therapeutic. I've noticed over the last few days that my pain is almost nothing. Even though my muscles got tired (to the point where I was shaking - there was a lot of shoveling involved) and I was sort of sore directly after, I don't seem to have any ill effects now. I guess we'll see what tomorrow is like, but it's still a vast improvement. Normally I'd be incapacitated in bed if I'd even been able to do all the work I did today.

Something has changed drastically over the last week. I first noticed it last Thursday when Bob and I had our work day. We got so much done and there was hardly any payback for all my physical activity. I still had energy at the end of the day. And since Sunday I feel like every day has been more of the same. Energy, alertness, clarity, focus... all things I've done without for a very long time - years. Because the change has happened so suddenly, it's extremely obvious to me. I'm wary of hoping that it will last. I should give it a month at least before I dare to believe my life could stay like this, but if this is a sign of things to come, I'm not sure there's anything I couldn't do. That's a crazy thought for me considering we have a wheelchair under the basement stairs waiting for the day I cannot walk and the expectation of moving when I can't climb up and down the stairs...

I really want another baby... or two. Twins would be nice. I don't want to put off the day when all my children are in school full time too much longer - I am looking forward to it, but the desire to have another baby, even weighing reality, hasn't gone away. I have more faith than ever that God will simply give us a baby if it's His will. If not a baby now, a foster child when Liam is 5 or 6. I'd like a baby, though. A little baby boy to snuggle. For now I'll be happy when my little nephew is born the end of August. :)

Morning After

I forgot about something else that's probably having an effect on my brain chemistry - Prednisone. I really hope that's not the major influence since I'll be done with it in two or three days.

It took me a very long time to fall asleep last night. I was aware of so much, my brain wouldn't shut off. It took a while for me to get comfortable enough for my headache to ease up. I thought about getting up and blogging more, but I was physically tired and my headache was pretty bad. I'm really hoping the trip to the chiropractor today clears that up.

I'm groggy today, but not as foggy as I've been. Looking back over the past few years (basically since I was pregnant with Lorelei, which was summer of 2006), I feel like I was just sleep walking. Almost everything I did was autopilot and anything that required the least bit of thought was a struggle.

Contrary to what seems like popular belief, I was NOT trying to be obtuse about life. I was really struggling with matching concepts and ideas to the way I think. The main problem being that I was having a hard time thinking at all. I don't feel like my ideas have changed all that much, it's just that they look different when they're in focus. The colors, shapes, general patterns are the same. But the edges are more defined and the details are filled in.

I can't decide what I want to do today. I'm feeling a little restless. I either want to go to Home Depot and pick up a wash line and install it or go down to the bottom of the driveway and clean up all the weeds. I guess I could prune the creek bank too, since it's finally cooler. I was thinking about possibilities for a makeshift awning for the patio as well. We have poles for a volleyball net that the previous owners of the house left here. (Yeah. They're still just sitting around...) If we put them on the two corners of the patio and attached a tarp to the house and the poles, it might provide some shade. It just gets so blindingly hot and sunny back there with no trees.

I hate struggling to think. It makes me feel stupid and slow. It's a pride thing, I guess, since I think I make a better impression when my brain is in gear. I have the potential to be smart and witty and funny. It's just all those synapses don't connect a lot of the time...

Clarity Part Two

So, I've been thinking...

I've had two days now (Sunday and today) where my mind seemed more awake than it's ever been in my life. At least in any sort of recent life, but, really, more than I can ever remember. I've been trying to decide what has caused this to happen because I'd really like it to continue. I've come up with some possible (and probably probable) reasons: I no longer have things rotting inside me. My hormones are stabilizing. My pain is under control. I've hit upon the right dosages of medication. I'm getting better, deeper, longer sleep. I'm drinking lots of oolong tea (don't knock it, I really think it's a contributing factor.). I'm eating fewer carbs and less processed foods. My life is honest and transparent again. I have a much better understanding of God (and therefore my role as a human being, wife, mother, friend, etc.) I'm much more physically active. I'm sweating out the summer (again, don't knock it. My complexion is better, my energy levels are higher, I really think sweating is good for you.). I'm getting more sun. I'd like to add regular exercise back on the table. It was helping at the beginning of the year, even before I got my health under control.

I'm slightly paranoid because I feel like my blood pressure might be up. I've had some pretty severe headaches (though they could be caused by chiropractic and environmental issues) and I feel like I'm breathing faster and my heart is a bit irregular. I'm thinking if anything is causing these things, it's the copious amounts of oolong tea I've been consuming. I guess in the end, not having a heart attack or stroke is better than being a little brain dulled, but I'm really enjoying having my mind fully engaged.

Sleep seems to be a huge issue too. I didn't sleep as well on Sunday night and Monday I was a little more groggy again. I still dealt with it better than I usually do. I was still mildly productive, even though most of the day was spent taking photos cause I didn't feel like doing chores. But that's still better than being a complete sloth, which was my typical MO. I don't really know how to guarantee great sleep. For one thing, our kids still wake up on a pretty regular basis. (Bob's usually the one who gets up with them, but it still disturbs me.) I have nightmares on a regular basis as well. I can only hope that those two issues will resolve themselves and we can all get better nights sleep on a regular basis.

I told Bob that I felt like I should have a panel, like in a recording studio, with the buttons that slide up and down. Everything that effects my mind/body/soul should be labeled and the optimum levels marked. Although I'm more aware than ever that there is that sort of chemistry going on in my body, I'm not fully aware of what all the buttons are, where they're supposed to be or how to get them there. It's a very frustrating place to be sometimes. It's not that I don't WANT to feel good. I feel helpless to rise above the way I feel sometimes. I don't have a lot of self control or will power or resolve. Pulling myself up by my bootstraps rarely works. I really hope that having these days in my memory will be a concrete example of what life can be like. That it IS possible to feel better. That I have a solid goal to try to reach again. Even if I'm not exactly sure how I got here to begin with.

I don't discount God at all. I'm fully aware this could simply be a miracle and there's nothing that I'm actively doing that affects it. But I tend to believe that God usually works within the confines of the physical world that He created: i.e. Science isn't all crap. If you drink poison, you will have a bad reaction. God CAN step in and make you have a good reaction if He wants to, but... it's probably better to just not drink the poison. Anyway, for whatever combination of things that are going on, I'm very grateful to have had these two days.

By far the best thing that's come out of them are the discussions with Bob, which I feel have FINALLY been very productive. It's like, perhaps we're speaking the same language. Or at least have found a universal translator that works half decently. It's nice to think the arguments that we've been having for years might be going away. And that we have a new communication level with which to avoid other ones. I was very tired of arguing and not getting anywhere.

I also feel like, on these days, my parenting is so much better. The kids feel it too. Their behavior is a lot better. Their attitudes are a lot better. They don't push boundaries as much. I think they can sense that my mind is strong and I won't just give in because I have no energy to fight with them. I think it makes them feel more secure as well. I don't see how it could not. I'm sure it's scary for them when I'm so uncertain, unpredictable and emotional about everything. If this becomes the norm, they'll be the better for it.

It's midnight and I have a headache but my mind is still as clear as ever. It's lovely.

Sudden Clarity

Today has been a day of *extreme* clarity for me. For whatever reason, whether it's the Prednisone or God finally opening my eyes, it's like my vision has not only been corrected to 20/20 but I've been given a magnifying glass to examine different areas of my life with new sight. It's not exactly that so much has changed, it's just that suddenly everything that was so blurry and obscure before has been zoomed into sharp focus.

I've realized that to die to self doesn't mean denying oneself pleasures, it simply means being aware of and more concerned with the well being of other people. To die for the sake of Christ isn't putting on a new sort of behavior or even attitude, it's purging yourself of wrong desires and motives and letting Christ's goodness and holiness take their place. These two truths might be simple, but the effect is profound.

Parenting: I've always known my biggest issue is patience. I've even known this is because I'm selfish, but I've never really had a full understanding of how to change that. Instead of focusing on getting rid of my selfishness, if I instead focus on loving my children - caring more about their needs than my own desires, more about their upbringing than my time schedule, more about their joy than my own boredom - patience ceases to be a struggle. When they're disobeying and having a bad attitude, caring about their understanding of their relationship with God and the behavior and attitudes that loving Him produces will bring about a patience and temperance that I've never had before.

Housework: My preference is to live in a clean, orderly environment. I don't think there's anything wrong with that - nor do I think it's wrong to try to teach my kids to take care of their stuff and be considerate of other people. But the bottom line is, it is NOT of utmost importance. Things are things. And while we are charged to be good stewards of what we have, they are just possessions that God has been kind enough to bestow us with. The thing that matters most in life is people. People's relationship with God and people's relationships with each other. Everything we do in life should be pointed in that direction. There is an element of truth in making my house a home and an environment in which my children and my guests can be comfortable and thrive. But it should not cause friction in my relationships. It should not become THE priority. Ever. Getting work done around the house should be viewed as a privilege (since I prefer it to be neat) and I should be satisfied and more than content to nurture my children and friends first and foremost.

Marriage: My conclusion is this. If the two people have the right perspective about marriage, any two people can have a successful marriage. Of course there will be personalities, likes and dislikes, attractions that go better with some than others, but marriage is a contract between two people to live life together, raise a family together and show the relationship of God and His church on earth. Marriage is not about romance or being 'in love'. Marriage is not about having all your desires met by your spouse. The love in marriage is an active one - it's the love you show to all people - caring more about the other person's well being than your own. The thing that is unique in marriage is the physical aspect of it, not the emotional one. Being in love and romantic is nice and fun - but not necessary or required. It's another thing that should be considered a gift, if and when it happens, and perhaps a preference (if you really desire it - and not everyone does to the same degree) otherwise, but not something that's lacking in your partner if it doesn't exist. The feelings of being completely satisfied and content with life come from God, not from people. I'm blessed to have someone who I really LIKE as a husband. I'm blessed that he makes it easy for me to actively love him (most of the time :) ) and I'm very grateful for the times when I feel 'in love' with him, though even when I don't, it doesn't change a thing. I am satisfied and content to be married to him, to live my life with him, to work beside him, serve him, have fun with him and just be his friend.

God: The thing I've struggled with the most is the concept of God being my 'all in all'. It's been something I've been trying to get someone to explain to me for years. This is what I've figured out: God IS my all in all. It's just a fact. Whether or not I choose to believe it doesn't change the fact that it's a fact. And believing it doesn't exactly change my feelings either, and it certainly doesn't change my circumstances. (Have I blogged this already? It sounds familiar.) But, really realizing that this IS the truth does change something deep inside. God is no longer just my safety net - he is my GOD - walking next to me, living life with me, not just hanging around waiting for me to fall (not that He was before, that's just how I was treating Him). I have a lot to learn, but I feel like the pathway to learning is now open. My mind, heart and soul are available for reseeding because I've gotten rid of all the weeds and nasty stuff that was taking up room.

Life in general: It's all a process. My clarity today may not be so present tomorrow and my circumstances will change and be hard and my mood will change and I might get depressed or tired. I might get sick. All these things affect my mind. The difference is that I've achieved this state of mind and I know it is possible. I really believe truths now that weren't firmly rooted before, even though I might have been aware of them. I'm hoping that because of this my depressions won't be so low, my moods won't swing so wildly, my perspective will stay more centered, my priorities will remain correct. It gives me hope to think that maybe I'll be able to keep all this in mind and more easily rise above all the imperfections about life. I think we're made to want perfection. It's how God intended our lives to be. We ruined it with sin. We'll never attain it again until we get to Heaven. But we're still geared towards wanting it. The best anyone can do is let Christ live in his heart and mind and soul. That is the closest we'll get to Heaven on earth and, compared to the hell I've live in for the past two years, it's a very sweet deal indeed.

I'm a daydreamer. I think I always will be. I used to use it as an escape from reality because I didn't want to deal with what was going on. I was too overwhelmed with my own desires to be able to be happy with what I had. My escape now is the truth. I can live there all the time and be completely engaged in my world. And I can still daydream for fun. I see life, in sharper focus than ever before and instead of wanting to dull the edges I just want to notice every little detail of it.