Clarity Part Two

So, I've been thinking...

I've had two days now (Sunday and today) where my mind seemed more awake than it's ever been in my life. At least in any sort of recent life, but, really, more than I can ever remember. I've been trying to decide what has caused this to happen because I'd really like it to continue. I've come up with some possible (and probably probable) reasons: I no longer have things rotting inside me. My hormones are stabilizing. My pain is under control. I've hit upon the right dosages of medication. I'm getting better, deeper, longer sleep. I'm drinking lots of oolong tea (don't knock it, I really think it's a contributing factor.). I'm eating fewer carbs and less processed foods. My life is honest and transparent again. I have a much better understanding of God (and therefore my role as a human being, wife, mother, friend, etc.) I'm much more physically active. I'm sweating out the summer (again, don't knock it. My complexion is better, my energy levels are higher, I really think sweating is good for you.). I'm getting more sun. I'd like to add regular exercise back on the table. It was helping at the beginning of the year, even before I got my health under control.

I'm slightly paranoid because I feel like my blood pressure might be up. I've had some pretty severe headaches (though they could be caused by chiropractic and environmental issues) and I feel like I'm breathing faster and my heart is a bit irregular. I'm thinking if anything is causing these things, it's the copious amounts of oolong tea I've been consuming. I guess in the end, not having a heart attack or stroke is better than being a little brain dulled, but I'm really enjoying having my mind fully engaged.

Sleep seems to be a huge issue too. I didn't sleep as well on Sunday night and Monday I was a little more groggy again. I still dealt with it better than I usually do. I was still mildly productive, even though most of the day was spent taking photos cause I didn't feel like doing chores. But that's still better than being a complete sloth, which was my typical MO. I don't really know how to guarantee great sleep. For one thing, our kids still wake up on a pretty regular basis. (Bob's usually the one who gets up with them, but it still disturbs me.) I have nightmares on a regular basis as well. I can only hope that those two issues will resolve themselves and we can all get better nights sleep on a regular basis.

I told Bob that I felt like I should have a panel, like in a recording studio, with the buttons that slide up and down. Everything that effects my mind/body/soul should be labeled and the optimum levels marked. Although I'm more aware than ever that there is that sort of chemistry going on in my body, I'm not fully aware of what all the buttons are, where they're supposed to be or how to get them there. It's a very frustrating place to be sometimes. It's not that I don't WANT to feel good. I feel helpless to rise above the way I feel sometimes. I don't have a lot of self control or will power or resolve. Pulling myself up by my bootstraps rarely works. I really hope that having these days in my memory will be a concrete example of what life can be like. That it IS possible to feel better. That I have a solid goal to try to reach again. Even if I'm not exactly sure how I got here to begin with.

I don't discount God at all. I'm fully aware this could simply be a miracle and there's nothing that I'm actively doing that affects it. But I tend to believe that God usually works within the confines of the physical world that He created: i.e. Science isn't all crap. If you drink poison, you will have a bad reaction. God CAN step in and make you have a good reaction if He wants to, but... it's probably better to just not drink the poison. Anyway, for whatever combination of things that are going on, I'm very grateful to have had these two days.

By far the best thing that's come out of them are the discussions with Bob, which I feel have FINALLY been very productive. It's like, perhaps we're speaking the same language. Or at least have found a universal translator that works half decently. It's nice to think the arguments that we've been having for years might be going away. And that we have a new communication level with which to avoid other ones. I was very tired of arguing and not getting anywhere.

I also feel like, on these days, my parenting is so much better. The kids feel it too. Their behavior is a lot better. Their attitudes are a lot better. They don't push boundaries as much. I think they can sense that my mind is strong and I won't just give in because I have no energy to fight with them. I think it makes them feel more secure as well. I don't see how it could not. I'm sure it's scary for them when I'm so uncertain, unpredictable and emotional about everything. If this becomes the norm, they'll be the better for it.

It's midnight and I have a headache but my mind is still as clear as ever. It's lovely.