The Final Piece

I woke up at 5:30 this morning *knowing* that I'm going to die before our tenth anniversary. That that's why I'm having this sudden clarity and alertness. It's an overwhelming thought. I'm not afraid to die. I know I'm going to Heaven. But I don't want to leave my kids. The idea of preparing them for my death is heartbreaking. Just last night Maggie said to me while I was singing her to sleep, "I couldn't live without you, Mommy." My death is the epitome of all of Molly's fears. My kids love me. But I know they don't NEED me. Not in the sense that they literally couldn't live without me. Life will go on. They will adjust and move on and live full lives. But the sadness would be there for a long time. No doubt there'd be impact and I don't want that for them. I asked God if it could be changed. I told Him I couldn't promise anything - I have nothing to bargain with. Any promises I make as far as my goodness or service will be broken. All I can do is WANT to serve Him for the rest of my life, in this moment. Not just because I'd rather not die young, but because I truly love Him and believe that He is the only way to live. I was thinking about ways that I could best serve. The thing I keep coming back to is children and people. Opening our home to ones who need our stability and comfort. Regardless of whether or not I'm really going to die, I need to prepare my kids for death. I've told them before that they have lots of people who love them and if I die, they'll be taken care of. They know the practicals. But emotionally - they need to understand that it really will be ok. That missing me is ok, but that their love me for me can't be more than their love for God and the greater purpose of living life for Him. They need to learn to accept death as a part of life - and that it could come at any moment. And not to be afraid of it or live under the presence of it's shadow, but make sure each day counts fully towards love and service of God and other people. There's a balance to be achieved. I think God wants us to enjoy the life He's given us - all the things He's created - all the things He's given us brains to create. But running through it all is a togetherness, with Him and with our fellow human beings. Always pointing each other back to God and love and admiration for Him. It's a very simple concept, really. As with so many other things, it's a heart attitude and bent, not necessarily a practical 'this is what you physically need to do' sort of thing. There are so many things in this world that are neither right or wrong in and of themselves. It's so easy to fall down into the sandy particles of legalistic thinking. It's confusing down there. And it doesn't need to be. You don't even need to be down there. None of the particulars matter all that much. When you live with the right attitude, the weeding process becomes fairly simple. The tug comes when you want something that isn't necessarily wrong, but you know isn't what God wants for you. Giving that thing up, though it seems silly because it *isn't* really wrong, can be really, really hard. I've found, though, that when you truly give things up to God, He tends to give you what you want in the end. And it's for this reason that by the time I woke up again this morning, I wasn't so sure I was going to die young. It might happen, it might not. But in the end, it doesn't matter because my life truly belongs to God.