My grandma died this evening at 9:08 pm. She lived 17 years without my grandfather and at least 7 not entirely in her right mind. The last year or two, she really didn't know very much of what was going on. One of the last bits of information I learned about her was that she rode a motorcycle about six inches - just to say she'd done it. That's the kind of person she was.
I used to love going down to their home over Easter and Thanksgiving. Easter was fun cause it was warm and everything was blooming and we'd set up croquet in the backyard and play with Dad and Grandpa. Grandpa used to drive us down in his tractor to his mill and we'd play in the sand - looking for mica and fossils. He'd give us old receipt books from his business (that we loved because of the carbon paper) and we'd pick blackberries and play down by the creek bank. The creek powered his mill, back when it was running. The whole underside of the mill was exposed and you could see all the big machines that ran everything. The inside was creepy and old and unstable. He never let us walk around much because he was afraid we'd get hurt. There was no bathroom there, only an old outhouse.
Their house smelled good to me. In reality it was old and musty and smelled damp, but Grandma smelled like Windsong and lilacs and softsoap hand soap and Dove and Pantene, so the whole house smelled a little like that too. Faith and I always slept in 'the blue room' an addition to the original house. We'd sleep on a pullout sofa and stay up till all hours reading Readers Digest and National Geographic magazines. I loved all the fairy tale books. We played with Skipper dolls and little Legos and wooden blocks that rolled around in a little wooden wagon. Once we got to go into the attic and see my mom's old dollhouse and my grandfather's old war uniform. We played outside a lot, in the sandy dirt, amongst the flowers and in a huge old pine tree. I cried when the pine tree had to be cut down.
Grandma had hundreds of Harlequin romance books that Faith and I would flip through to find all the sex parts (just look for the really long paragraphs). She would watch Hee Haw in her room while Grandpa would watch Star Trek in the living room. If Star Trek ever got too scary, you could always just go back to Grandma's room. She'd sit back there and watch Hee Haw and study her Sunday School lessons or knit afghans and slippers. She always had a picture of Jimmy, their little boy who died when he was 12, on her dresser.
I loved waking up to the smell of bacon frying. Breakfasts were the best. Classic - bacon, eggs, toast, orange juice, cereal, if you wanted it, Eggo waffles, in which I'd put a little dab of syrup in each and every little square. Once I poured myself a huge bowl of grape nuts, not knowing what they were, and decided after one bite that they were disgusting. My mom told me I had to eat it all because I'd poured it, but the longer I sat there, the more the grape nuts grew. When my mom left the kitchen, Grandma took my bowl and threw the grape nuts in the trash can. When Mom asked if I'd eaten them, Grandma told her just not to worry about it. :)
Grandpa used to watch WWF wrestling. We did too, even though Mom didn't really like us to. We'd sit up in front of the TV and he'd tell us we made a better door than a window. He was pretty deaf, so he'd listen to the TV over a radio station with a hearing aid in his ear and the actual TV turned down. Silent WWF was pretty funny.
He and Grandma used to fight all the time because she'd say something to him and he either wouldn't respond because he didn't hear her (or at least pretended he hadn't) or he'd answer with something that made no sense whatsoever. She bought a whistle once, so she could call him in from the fields for lunch and he'd hear her. The first day she tried it, she blew and blew, but he never came. When he finally did come up to the house, hours later, she asked hadn't he heard the whistle?. He started laughing and replied that he'd wondered what strange sort of bird was making that sound.
He used to take us for rides in his tractor a lot. One time, when Faith and I were little, he drove around and around the same tree, making us laugh. Every time he drove us around after that, he'd do the same thing. At first we laughed just not to hurt his feelings, but then we laughed just because we thought it was funny that he still thought we thought driving around and around a tree was funny. He drove us out to the field to pick corn once. He always told us to be sitting down when the tractor started because it'd jerk at first. I decided this wasn't necessary and was narrating our adventures in my head when he started off. I feel backwards, out of the back of the wagon, scraping my legs along the back gate and landed on corn stalks. But, of course, Grandpa didn't know and couldn't hear my siblings yelling for him to stop. It hurt, but it made me laugh. I always sat down after that.
My grandma and I used to talk about everything. In the sleepy afternoons when everyone else was napping or reading, she and I would sit at the kitchen table and I'd tell her all my woes. She'd listen to them all, but she never let me complain about my mom. She told me, 'Your mother is my daughter and I can't listen to you say mean things about her.' So I never did. But it was nice to have a sympathetic ear about all my issues with my dad. :)
When my parents were dating and my dad met my grandparents for the first time, my grandpa went to bed early. His bedroom was upstairs on one side of the house and my grandma's bedroom was downstairs on the other side of the house. It was summer and all the windows were open. After a while my dad heard a growly noise coming from outside and became convinced that there was a bear lurking near. My mom and grandma just laughed because they knew it was my grandpa - snoring. Even with their bedrooms so far apart and their door closed, my grandma could still hear him snoring.
My grandma read a lot. She was always informed about the latest politics and newsworthy stories. She was witty and dry and sarcastic and played the charming southern belle with comments that were sweetly venomous to perfection. I loved sitting quietly in the kitchen corner when my grandma and her sister in law, Aunt Ruby, and my mom and Aunt Cindy would get together and go over all the latest gossip. Such scandalous stories! It was like something out of a movie - we could have all been wearing hoop skirts and fanning ourselves under parasols for all the conversation had changed.
Grandma's favorite things to tell about herself were that she had bright red, long hair. She road her horse, Suzy, bareback. She'd take a book and ride Suzy out to the fields and lie on her back and read and not come when her mother called. She won a car in a contest. She had my aunt right after her birthday. She liked flower, she liked to sew and knit, she collected paperweights, she sponsored many children overseas and kept all their letters. She never wanted to live north of the Mason Dixon line. Her father died when she was five and he fought in the Civil War. She had a string of nicknames that she could rattle off, but I forget what they all were now. Her real name was Mary Melissa.
The only people on her side of the family that are left are her niece her nephew in law and their daughter. I've never met my grandfather's family and my aunt never had any children. In a few days I'll get to see my grandfather's gravestone. I haven't been there since his funeral. I never got a last walk through of my grandparents house when my grandmother was moved up here. Molly was a baby and it takes a long time to get down there. We'd taken Molly down twice when she was little, to see my grandma before she moved. I wish I'd taken pictures of the house. I wish I had pictures of the mill and the creek and the woods and fields.
I hope they're all together now - Grandma and Grandpa and Jimmy. Aunt Ruby and Uncle Paul. All of them having a great big reunion in Heaven.
7.7.10
6.7.10
MIsc
It's amazing how clear my childhood memories are now - pre Pa. And how dim my teenage years and the past 10 years have become. I'm glad I still do have some memories. Some are still pretty clear - like having all my babies. My wedding day. Our honeymoon. Angel's birth. Even events like the kids' birthdays. But every day life is a blur of nothing specific, just a general feeling of survival and fogginess. I bet if I looked through pictures now, I'd remember more clearly. Slowly I feel like beccarose's experiences are being integrated with my memories, making me and my life one whole thing. It takes a little bit of effort to dredge up stuff that's so vague, but as soon as I do it become clear and permanently fixed.
I've been wondering more and more what people's impression of me was. If I'd interacted with me, I'd have thought I was this brain dead, distracted, clueless person who couldn't reason themselves out of a paper bag. Yet I know some people thought I had it all together. I really wasn't trying to be hypocritical, I was just trying to survive the best way I could and, generally speaking, that meant controlling my environment in every way possible. Things really unraveled at the end. I was having a harder and harder time keeping things together.
I've been wondering more and more what people's impression of me was. If I'd interacted with me, I'd have thought I was this brain dead, distracted, clueless person who couldn't reason themselves out of a paper bag. Yet I know some people thought I had it all together. I really wasn't trying to be hypocritical, I was just trying to survive the best way I could and, generally speaking, that meant controlling my environment in every way possible. Things really unraveled at the end. I was having a harder and harder time keeping things together.
My Independence Day
Fireworks with the Kiddos:
Molly was enthralled. She kept saying, "You know, there's no real point in putting your fingers in your ears!" She said her heart was beating faster than the sparkling lights of the fireworks. :)
Maggie was a little bit scared, a little bit tired and a little bit bored. She says she doesn't want to go back next year, but I'm sure by then she'll have changed her mind.
Lorelei sat on Bob's lap the whole time with his hands over her ears. She liked the lights, but not the noise.
Liam sat on my lap with one ear on my chest and my hand over his other ear. He covered his eyes with his blanket and hands the whole time. :)
We parked at Cherie's house and walked to the end of the block and around the corner a bit and sat in someone's yard, right across from the baseball field. The view was wonderful (save for the power lines) with the fireworks in the sky directly in front of us.
As far as I'm concerned, this is the start of a family tradition. The time, location, everything was just perfect. We got home really quickly too.
I've missed fireworks. I'm so glad I was awake for this year's. I remember sitting out on the back deck of our home in Virginia, listening to the Statler Brothers sing and watching the fireworks overhead. We'd roast marshmallows on a (illegal) campfire in the backyard and swim after dark in our pool. Our dog, Max, would hide under my parent's bed and howl. We'd always have friends over - lots would just stop by - some would park at our house and walk down to Gypsy Hill Park - it was just a big party at our house. It's because of those years in Va that I grew up wanting to always have people in our home. I loved my childhood there. It was pretty idyllic. I hope I can duplicate it for my kids.
This year I'm free. Free from whatever it was that was clouding my mind. Free from depression and anxiety and brain fog. Free from pain and rotting stuff inside and being tired all the time. Free from sin and darkness lurking in my heart. Free from everything that was keeping me from living the life I wanted. I am so grateful for everything.
Molly was enthralled. She kept saying, "You know, there's no real point in putting your fingers in your ears!" She said her heart was beating faster than the sparkling lights of the fireworks. :)
Maggie was a little bit scared, a little bit tired and a little bit bored. She says she doesn't want to go back next year, but I'm sure by then she'll have changed her mind.
Lorelei sat on Bob's lap the whole time with his hands over her ears. She liked the lights, but not the noise.
Liam sat on my lap with one ear on my chest and my hand over his other ear. He covered his eyes with his blanket and hands the whole time. :)
We parked at Cherie's house and walked to the end of the block and around the corner a bit and sat in someone's yard, right across from the baseball field. The view was wonderful (save for the power lines) with the fireworks in the sky directly in front of us.
As far as I'm concerned, this is the start of a family tradition. The time, location, everything was just perfect. We got home really quickly too.
I've missed fireworks. I'm so glad I was awake for this year's. I remember sitting out on the back deck of our home in Virginia, listening to the Statler Brothers sing and watching the fireworks overhead. We'd roast marshmallows on a (illegal) campfire in the backyard and swim after dark in our pool. Our dog, Max, would hide under my parent's bed and howl. We'd always have friends over - lots would just stop by - some would park at our house and walk down to Gypsy Hill Park - it was just a big party at our house. It's because of those years in Va that I grew up wanting to always have people in our home. I loved my childhood there. It was pretty idyllic. I hope I can duplicate it for my kids.
This year I'm free. Free from whatever it was that was clouding my mind. Free from depression and anxiety and brain fog. Free from pain and rotting stuff inside and being tired all the time. Free from sin and darkness lurking in my heart. Free from everything that was keeping me from living the life I wanted. I am so grateful for everything.
5.7.10
Out of Body
So this will probably sound like the most whacked out posting yet, but...
While I was beccarose, I had major issues with my body, the main reason being: because it wasn't 'my' body. The body I saw in the mirror and the person I saw behind my eyes were two different people. I've had an awful lot of physical ailment get significantly better recently and I know there are other reasons behind this (my surgery, my pain meds, etc) but I think a major one is that the personality and the body belong to each other now. If I have pain I can tell you exactly where it is. I couldn't do that before. The same goes with every other sensation. Instead of being aware of things from an 'outsiders' point of view, it's actually ME now. I don't watch things happening to me - I don't feel things in this nebulous cloud of sensation, it's all specific and identifiable. The way I see my body has changed too. I think it's probably more accurate now. Everything was blown out of proportion before because it didn't match my mental image of who I was. Now it just is what it is. (Not that I like it, per se :), but I'm not at odds with it either.) It's the most bizarre thing to feel trapped in your own body. I didn't even realize that's what I was feeling, though, when I'd look in my own eyes in the mirror I never really felt like I was looking at me. Now I do. Now all I see is ME.
While I was beccarose, I had major issues with my body, the main reason being: because it wasn't 'my' body. The body I saw in the mirror and the person I saw behind my eyes were two different people. I've had an awful lot of physical ailment get significantly better recently and I know there are other reasons behind this (my surgery, my pain meds, etc) but I think a major one is that the personality and the body belong to each other now. If I have pain I can tell you exactly where it is. I couldn't do that before. The same goes with every other sensation. Instead of being aware of things from an 'outsiders' point of view, it's actually ME now. I don't watch things happening to me - I don't feel things in this nebulous cloud of sensation, it's all specific and identifiable. The way I see my body has changed too. I think it's probably more accurate now. Everything was blown out of proportion before because it didn't match my mental image of who I was. Now it just is what it is. (Not that I like it, per se :), but I'm not at odds with it either.) It's the most bizarre thing to feel trapped in your own body. I didn't even realize that's what I was feeling, though, when I'd look in my own eyes in the mirror I never really felt like I was looking at me. Now I do. Now all I see is ME.
More Thoughts on the Subject
More thoughts on Borderline Personality and the differences between beccarose and me. I do sound crazy, I know I do. And I guess I kinda was, but I'm not anymore. At least, I don't think I am. I hope I'm cured. (Though, I don't know HOW I was cured. Maybe it's a miracle. Maybe it's just my hormones stabilizing, I don't know.)
Bob and I were talking about our marriage and looking back over the past years together, particularly last year. I'd say that last year was the year of greatest dissociating from reality. I simply wasn't in my right mind. Or any mind. I was acting purely on instinct and emotion and neediness and auto pilot. Having my kids call me 'Mom' was strange to me because I felt like I was just babysitting all the time. Having Bob come home from work was stressful because I didn't know how to be a wife. I didn't want to be married. Not because I didn't love Bob at all, but because I didn't know how. In my mind, I was still a teenager, irresponsible, immature, impulsive and rebellious. (That being said, it never occurred to me to separate from Bob or divorce or anything like that. I never stopped loving him.) It was strange being in the body and life of someone who didn't match who I was. Looking in the mirror was always a shock. I hated what I saw. Looking around me - I saw my environment, but I didn't belong in it. Somehow it was foreign to me. Now it's familiar, but it still seems like a new experience. I belong here, though. I recognize the face in the mirror. I know what I'm going to see when I look.
I know I'm not schizophrenic. A true schizophrenic has no memory of their other personalities lives. I remember everything - there are no gaps. (Sort of. My memory is extremely vague, but I know there are no chunks of time that I simply cannot account for at all.) However, I really think I was as close to being a separate being as possible without crossing the line into another personality all together. I'm not pleading insanity to justify or minimize my actions. I was aware of what I was doing and that it was wrong. I am saying that in the mental state I was in, I was not really capable of the kinds of reasoning it takes to talk oneself out of those sorts of behaviors. beccarose was rather dumb. Illogical, irrational, she was almost all emotion. Comparatively, I am almost Vulcan. At least that's what it feels like to me. I'm really hoping this isn't another pendulum swing. It doesn't feel like it. And I'd much rather be this than her, but I feel extremely objective in comparison. Not that I don't have any emotion at all. I love my kiddos and my husband and my family and friends. I'm sad to see my grandma die, though I'm most sad for my mom to have to lose her mom. I get frustrated and angry with the kids when they're being demanding and impatient and whiny. But it's all so manageable. None of it is out of control.
All my likes and dislikes are the same, though they may have moved a bit on the scale. I'm not so different that anyone would wonder what had happened to me, though I'm guessing people will notice a difference, even if they can't place a finger on exactly what has changed. I feel bad for Bob. He married someone different. He's lived with her for 9 years and had a whole bunch of experiences with her and now he finds that he's married to someone else. I'm a lot better than beccarose, but he doesn't really know that. And he doesn't know if she's coming back. (Neither do I, really. I don't even know if it's something I can control or not.) I understand where he's coming from, but it's hard for me to be starting in that place. I am not her.
I do realize this all sounds crazy. I know it does. But it has a perfectly good explanation. In your local psychology book. :) Seriously, though, I think the worst is over. Everyone can stop wondering what's wrong with me and go back to their regularly scheduled lives because I'm all better now and will be acting like a normal human being from now on. At least I hope that's the case. I keep telling myself that awareness is the key. But I probably will find a counselor, fill them in and keep them on standby. Just in case.
Bob and I were talking about our marriage and looking back over the past years together, particularly last year. I'd say that last year was the year of greatest dissociating from reality. I simply wasn't in my right mind. Or any mind. I was acting purely on instinct and emotion and neediness and auto pilot. Having my kids call me 'Mom' was strange to me because I felt like I was just babysitting all the time. Having Bob come home from work was stressful because I didn't know how to be a wife. I didn't want to be married. Not because I didn't love Bob at all, but because I didn't know how. In my mind, I was still a teenager, irresponsible, immature, impulsive and rebellious. (That being said, it never occurred to me to separate from Bob or divorce or anything like that. I never stopped loving him.) It was strange being in the body and life of someone who didn't match who I was. Looking in the mirror was always a shock. I hated what I saw. Looking around me - I saw my environment, but I didn't belong in it. Somehow it was foreign to me. Now it's familiar, but it still seems like a new experience. I belong here, though. I recognize the face in the mirror. I know what I'm going to see when I look.
I know I'm not schizophrenic. A true schizophrenic has no memory of their other personalities lives. I remember everything - there are no gaps. (Sort of. My memory is extremely vague, but I know there are no chunks of time that I simply cannot account for at all.) However, I really think I was as close to being a separate being as possible without crossing the line into another personality all together. I'm not pleading insanity to justify or minimize my actions. I was aware of what I was doing and that it was wrong. I am saying that in the mental state I was in, I was not really capable of the kinds of reasoning it takes to talk oneself out of those sorts of behaviors. beccarose was rather dumb. Illogical, irrational, she was almost all emotion. Comparatively, I am almost Vulcan. At least that's what it feels like to me. I'm really hoping this isn't another pendulum swing. It doesn't feel like it. And I'd much rather be this than her, but I feel extremely objective in comparison. Not that I don't have any emotion at all. I love my kiddos and my husband and my family and friends. I'm sad to see my grandma die, though I'm most sad for my mom to have to lose her mom. I get frustrated and angry with the kids when they're being demanding and impatient and whiny. But it's all so manageable. None of it is out of control.
All my likes and dislikes are the same, though they may have moved a bit on the scale. I'm not so different that anyone would wonder what had happened to me, though I'm guessing people will notice a difference, even if they can't place a finger on exactly what has changed. I feel bad for Bob. He married someone different. He's lived with her for 9 years and had a whole bunch of experiences with her and now he finds that he's married to someone else. I'm a lot better than beccarose, but he doesn't really know that. And he doesn't know if she's coming back. (Neither do I, really. I don't even know if it's something I can control or not.) I understand where he's coming from, but it's hard for me to be starting in that place. I am not her.
I do realize this all sounds crazy. I know it does. But it has a perfectly good explanation. In your local psychology book. :) Seriously, though, I think the worst is over. Everyone can stop wondering what's wrong with me and go back to their regularly scheduled lives because I'm all better now and will be acting like a normal human being from now on. At least I hope that's the case. I keep telling myself that awareness is the key. But I probably will find a counselor, fill them in and keep them on standby. Just in case.
4.7.10
P.S.
While I feel really bad about the effect this issue has had on Bob and others, the people I feel the most bad for are my kids. Becky is a much better parent than Beccarose.
Clarity Part Three
Another *extremely* clear day for me. I don't think it's the Prednisone, as I can tell it's out of my system due to body wide itching. Maybe I'm allergic to oolong tea. That would suck because I *do* think that's part of the clarity equation. I think I might choose to itch and have clarity that not and be dumb.
As I look over the past 20 years or so, I'm wondering if I did/do have borderline personality disorder. It's sort of a pre schizophrenic state of being and even before my sudden clarity I'd have described myself as such. Now I would even moreso.
I think the split started to happen when we moved up to Pa. It was an extremely difficult transition for me, one that I'm not sure I really made mentally or emotionally. Then, a few years later when I was sexually molested, the split was more or less complete. From that moment on, I was on some level of auto pilot all the time. The 'real' me never surfaced completely. Emotionally, I couldn't handle everything that had happened to me.
It's scary to think of all the things I did while in that state of mental fog. I slept with five different guys in less than two years (after being a virgin prior to that). I would have been monogamous to my first boyfriend, but he cheated on me and that sent me deeper into myself, more into auto pilot, more into doing anything and everything to try to resolve the emotional pain.
I got married in that state. I had my babies in that state. I don't regret doing any of that. I came out of it into a beautiful life with four beautiful kids and a wonderful husband. But because of that auto pilot, not being able to cope with 'real' life, I almost lost it all last year.
Bob was my stabilizer from the beginning. Every time my auto pilot started to steer me into the side of a mountain, he would take over and rescue me somehow. Between his intervention and the daily struggle just to survive with having babies and trying to keep some order in my chaotic life, I didn't have time to do anything very dangerous. But then last year, the kids were older and didn't need me as much, my pain was under control for the first time in 7 or 8 years, I was feeling better because of losing weight. I thought I'd woken up then - and maybe I had to a degree more than I ever had before, but there was still a part of me missing - the part that reasons and weighs actions and consequences. The stable part of me was gone - Bob was dealing with his own depression and was willing to let me crash into a cliff because he couldn't deal with me and his own emotions at the same time. And so I did - I went headlong into a cliff and didn't even really know what I was doing. I was partially aware. If I'd had the ability to use those reasoning skills locked inside - or if I'd had any sort of strong spiritual convictions, it wouldn't have happened. But none of those safeguards were in place, so I crashed.
It's ironic that because I couldn't deal with my emotions, the emotional part was the part that was totally out there and the logical, objective part of me was the part locked deep inside, protecting itself. My emotional half was so needy and starving for validation and attention. That's how I've function since I was born, I think, but it went wild out of control between 10 and 14. Ever since then, I've done everything I can to get that fix, that high that changes all my negative feelings to positive ones. Without my reasoning half to tell me that negative feeling are ok and will pass, all I could see was a deep dark chasm that I was living in. The only 'light' were the highs I'd get from guys attention. Only, it was temporary at best.
I really don't know why I'm so aware now. Do I have boarderline personality? Is this just the logical side of me emerging for a while? Will I go back to that all emotional person if some sort of emotional trauma happens? I find myself retreating under emotional distress. I was never aware of it until today. But even looking back over the past two weeks, I can see days where I was the 'old' me, although to a lesser degree. How do I merge the two?
I hope that awareness is the key. Or at least part of it. I hope that when emotional trauma comes I can face it and deal with it and not retreat. I'm not entirely sure it's something I can control all that well, though. It seems to happen automatically. I've had 20 years in which I've functioned that way. I'm not really sure how being aware is going to play out. I'd like to stay this way, if I can.
I understand those movies like 'Phenomenon' where something happens and suddenly the person is given extra abilities or senses. I feel like that now. I feel like I could learn anything, do anything, fairly easily. It's like I can see crystal clear how the world works.
I'm so grateful that nothing bad happened with my kids while I was on auto pilot. It could have been so much worse. My auto pilot - beccarose - my pseudonym for everything. She's the one who's lived my life for the past 20 years. Even within her were pretty extreme variations. This me, is like my 'Jane' (from the three faces of Eve) - aware, integrated (I hope). It'd be nice if she were here to stay.
Beccarose was unaware that anything was wrong. Really unaware. She was unable to learn easily, unable to reason easily, unable to deal with changes to her environment, unable to tolerate stress. I'm amazed I did as well as I did under her control. Because my senses were so dulled, I didn't have to ability to really understand what was making me feel anything, so everything was a big deal. Everything was overwhelming. Now, it's almost like nothing is.
I almost feel like I don't have an identity now. I am aware of who I am, but I don't have a name. Beccarose had a name. I guess I'm just Becky. The 'real' one.
There are similarities between Beccarose and Becky, of course. Fundamentally, I am the same person. The hard part for other people to get will be that those two personalities are distinctly different as well. Beccarose is impulsive, immature, emotionally driven and doesn't think about consequences if she can help it. Becky is still sense oriented, but her brain - the logical, objective part is turned on too. Becky hasn't dealt well with negative emotions, though. She retreats pretty quickly when they come. I have to learn to integrate.
I know when people read this they're going to want to drug me up and send me to an institution, but I'm really not crazy. Well, maybe I have a disorder, but now that I'm so aware of the way it works, I don't think it will be able to control me anymore. I guess we'll see. I have enough people watching me that I think if I fall into real trouble again, they'll intervene. I'm hoping, though, that I'll be aware enough not to let Beccarose surface all alone again.
As I look over the past 20 years or so, I'm wondering if I did/do have borderline personality disorder. It's sort of a pre schizophrenic state of being and even before my sudden clarity I'd have described myself as such. Now I would even moreso.
I think the split started to happen when we moved up to Pa. It was an extremely difficult transition for me, one that I'm not sure I really made mentally or emotionally. Then, a few years later when I was sexually molested, the split was more or less complete. From that moment on, I was on some level of auto pilot all the time. The 'real' me never surfaced completely. Emotionally, I couldn't handle everything that had happened to me.
It's scary to think of all the things I did while in that state of mental fog. I slept with five different guys in less than two years (after being a virgin prior to that). I would have been monogamous to my first boyfriend, but he cheated on me and that sent me deeper into myself, more into auto pilot, more into doing anything and everything to try to resolve the emotional pain.
I got married in that state. I had my babies in that state. I don't regret doing any of that. I came out of it into a beautiful life with four beautiful kids and a wonderful husband. But because of that auto pilot, not being able to cope with 'real' life, I almost lost it all last year.
Bob was my stabilizer from the beginning. Every time my auto pilot started to steer me into the side of a mountain, he would take over and rescue me somehow. Between his intervention and the daily struggle just to survive with having babies and trying to keep some order in my chaotic life, I didn't have time to do anything very dangerous. But then last year, the kids were older and didn't need me as much, my pain was under control for the first time in 7 or 8 years, I was feeling better because of losing weight. I thought I'd woken up then - and maybe I had to a degree more than I ever had before, but there was still a part of me missing - the part that reasons and weighs actions and consequences. The stable part of me was gone - Bob was dealing with his own depression and was willing to let me crash into a cliff because he couldn't deal with me and his own emotions at the same time. And so I did - I went headlong into a cliff and didn't even really know what I was doing. I was partially aware. If I'd had the ability to use those reasoning skills locked inside - or if I'd had any sort of strong spiritual convictions, it wouldn't have happened. But none of those safeguards were in place, so I crashed.
It's ironic that because I couldn't deal with my emotions, the emotional part was the part that was totally out there and the logical, objective part of me was the part locked deep inside, protecting itself. My emotional half was so needy and starving for validation and attention. That's how I've function since I was born, I think, but it went wild out of control between 10 and 14. Ever since then, I've done everything I can to get that fix, that high that changes all my negative feelings to positive ones. Without my reasoning half to tell me that negative feeling are ok and will pass, all I could see was a deep dark chasm that I was living in. The only 'light' were the highs I'd get from guys attention. Only, it was temporary at best.
I really don't know why I'm so aware now. Do I have boarderline personality? Is this just the logical side of me emerging for a while? Will I go back to that all emotional person if some sort of emotional trauma happens? I find myself retreating under emotional distress. I was never aware of it until today. But even looking back over the past two weeks, I can see days where I was the 'old' me, although to a lesser degree. How do I merge the two?
I hope that awareness is the key. Or at least part of it. I hope that when emotional trauma comes I can face it and deal with it and not retreat. I'm not entirely sure it's something I can control all that well, though. It seems to happen automatically. I've had 20 years in which I've functioned that way. I'm not really sure how being aware is going to play out. I'd like to stay this way, if I can.
I understand those movies like 'Phenomenon' where something happens and suddenly the person is given extra abilities or senses. I feel like that now. I feel like I could learn anything, do anything, fairly easily. It's like I can see crystal clear how the world works.
I'm so grateful that nothing bad happened with my kids while I was on auto pilot. It could have been so much worse. My auto pilot - beccarose - my pseudonym for everything. She's the one who's lived my life for the past 20 years. Even within her were pretty extreme variations. This me, is like my 'Jane' (from the three faces of Eve) - aware, integrated (I hope). It'd be nice if she were here to stay.
Beccarose was unaware that anything was wrong. Really unaware. She was unable to learn easily, unable to reason easily, unable to deal with changes to her environment, unable to tolerate stress. I'm amazed I did as well as I did under her control. Because my senses were so dulled, I didn't have to ability to really understand what was making me feel anything, so everything was a big deal. Everything was overwhelming. Now, it's almost like nothing is.
I almost feel like I don't have an identity now. I am aware of who I am, but I don't have a name. Beccarose had a name. I guess I'm just Becky. The 'real' one.
There are similarities between Beccarose and Becky, of course. Fundamentally, I am the same person. The hard part for other people to get will be that those two personalities are distinctly different as well. Beccarose is impulsive, immature, emotionally driven and doesn't think about consequences if she can help it. Becky is still sense oriented, but her brain - the logical, objective part is turned on too. Becky hasn't dealt well with negative emotions, though. She retreats pretty quickly when they come. I have to learn to integrate.
I know when people read this they're going to want to drug me up and send me to an institution, but I'm really not crazy. Well, maybe I have a disorder, but now that I'm so aware of the way it works, I don't think it will be able to control me anymore. I guess we'll see. I have enough people watching me that I think if I fall into real trouble again, they'll intervene. I'm hoping, though, that I'll be aware enough not to let Beccarose surface all alone again.
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