More Thoughts on the Subject

More thoughts on Borderline Personality and the differences between beccarose and me. I do sound crazy, I know I do. And I guess I kinda was, but I'm not anymore. At least, I don't think I am. I hope I'm cured. (Though, I don't know HOW I was cured. Maybe it's a miracle. Maybe it's just my hormones stabilizing, I don't know.)

Bob and I were talking about our marriage and looking back over the past years together, particularly last year. I'd say that last year was the year of greatest dissociating from reality. I simply wasn't in my right mind. Or any mind. I was acting purely on instinct and emotion and neediness and auto pilot. Having my kids call me 'Mom' was strange to me because I felt like I was just babysitting all the time. Having Bob come home from work was stressful because I didn't know how to be a wife. I didn't want to be married. Not because I didn't love Bob at all, but because I didn't know how. In my mind, I was still a teenager, irresponsible, immature, impulsive and rebellious. (That being said, it never occurred to me to separate from Bob or divorce or anything like that. I never stopped loving him.) It was strange being in the body and life of someone who didn't match who I was. Looking in the mirror was always a shock. I hated what I saw. Looking around me - I saw my environment, but I didn't belong in it. Somehow it was foreign to me. Now it's familiar, but it still seems like a new experience. I belong here, though. I recognize the face in the mirror. I know what I'm going to see when I look.

I know I'm not schizophrenic. A true schizophrenic has no memory of their other personalities lives. I remember everything - there are no gaps. (Sort of. My memory is extremely vague, but I know there are no chunks of time that I simply cannot account for at all.) However, I really think I was as close to being a separate being as possible without crossing the line into another personality all together. I'm not pleading insanity to justify or minimize my actions. I was aware of what I was doing and that it was wrong. I am saying that in the mental state I was in, I was not really capable of the kinds of reasoning it takes to talk oneself out of those sorts of behaviors. beccarose was rather dumb. Illogical, irrational, she was almost all emotion. Comparatively, I am almost Vulcan. At least that's what it feels like to me. I'm really hoping this isn't another pendulum swing. It doesn't feel like it. And I'd much rather be this than her, but I feel extremely objective in comparison. Not that I don't have any emotion at all. I love my kiddos and my husband and my family and friends. I'm sad to see my grandma die, though I'm most sad for my mom to have to lose her mom. I get frustrated and angry with the kids when they're being demanding and impatient and whiny. But it's all so manageable. None of it is out of control.

All my likes and dislikes are the same, though they may have moved a bit on the scale. I'm not so different that anyone would wonder what had happened to me, though I'm guessing people will notice a difference, even if they can't place a finger on exactly what has changed. I feel bad for Bob. He married someone different. He's lived with her for 9 years and had a whole bunch of experiences with her and now he finds that he's married to someone else. I'm a lot better than beccarose, but he doesn't really know that. And he doesn't know if she's coming back. (Neither do I, really. I don't even know if it's something I can control or not.) I understand where he's coming from, but it's hard for me to be starting in that place. I am not her.

I do realize this all sounds crazy. I know it does. But it has a perfectly good explanation. In your local psychology book. :) Seriously, though, I think the worst is over. Everyone can stop wondering what's wrong with me and go back to their regularly scheduled lives because I'm all better now and will be acting like a normal human being from now on. At least I hope that's the case. I keep telling myself that awareness is the key. But I probably will find a counselor, fill them in and keep them on standby. Just in case.