Clarity Part Three

Another *extremely* clear day for me. I don't think it's the Prednisone, as I can tell it's out of my system due to body wide itching. Maybe I'm allergic to oolong tea. That would suck because I *do* think that's part of the clarity equation. I think I might choose to itch and have clarity that not and be dumb.

As I look over the past 20 years or so, I'm wondering if I did/do have borderline personality disorder. It's sort of a pre schizophrenic state of being and even before my sudden clarity I'd have described myself as such. Now I would even moreso.

I think the split started to happen when we moved up to Pa. It was an extremely difficult transition for me, one that I'm not sure I really made mentally or emotionally. Then, a few years later when I was sexually molested, the split was more or less complete. From that moment on, I was on some level of auto pilot all the time. The 'real' me never surfaced completely. Emotionally, I couldn't handle everything that had happened to me.

It's scary to think of all the things I did while in that state of mental fog. I slept with five different guys in less than two years (after being a virgin prior to that). I would have been monogamous to my first boyfriend, but he cheated on me and that sent me deeper into myself, more into auto pilot, more into doing anything and everything to try to resolve the emotional pain.

I got married in that state. I had my babies in that state. I don't regret doing any of that. I came out of it into a beautiful life with four beautiful kids and a wonderful husband. But because of that auto pilot, not being able to cope with 'real' life, I almost lost it all last year.

Bob was my stabilizer from the beginning. Every time my auto pilot started to steer me into the side of a mountain, he would take over and rescue me somehow. Between his intervention and the daily struggle just to survive with having babies and trying to keep some order in my chaotic life, I didn't have time to do anything very dangerous. But then last year, the kids were older and didn't need me as much, my pain was under control for the first time in 7 or 8 years, I was feeling better because of losing weight. I thought I'd woken up then - and maybe I had to a degree more than I ever had before, but there was still a part of me missing - the part that reasons and weighs actions and consequences. The stable part of me was gone - Bob was dealing with his own depression and was willing to let me crash into a cliff because he couldn't deal with me and his own emotions at the same time. And so I did - I went headlong into a cliff and didn't even really know what I was doing. I was partially aware. If I'd had the ability to use those reasoning skills locked inside - or if I'd had any sort of strong spiritual convictions, it wouldn't have happened. But none of those safeguards were in place, so I crashed.

It's ironic that because I couldn't deal with my emotions, the emotional part was the part that was totally out there and the logical, objective part of me was the part locked deep inside, protecting itself. My emotional half was so needy and starving for validation and attention. That's how I've function since I was born, I think, but it went wild out of control between 10 and 14. Ever since then, I've done everything I can to get that fix, that high that changes all my negative feelings to positive ones. Without my reasoning half to tell me that negative feeling are ok and will pass, all I could see was a deep dark chasm that I was living in. The only 'light' were the highs I'd get from guys attention. Only, it was temporary at best.

I really don't know why I'm so aware now. Do I have boarderline personality? Is this just the logical side of me emerging for a while? Will I go back to that all emotional person if some sort of emotional trauma happens? I find myself retreating under emotional distress. I was never aware of it until today. But even looking back over the past two weeks, I can see days where I was the 'old' me, although to a lesser degree. How do I merge the two?

I hope that awareness is the key. Or at least part of it. I hope that when emotional trauma comes I can face it and deal with it and not retreat. I'm not entirely sure it's something I can control all that well, though. It seems to happen automatically. I've had 20 years in which I've functioned that way. I'm not really sure how being aware is going to play out. I'd like to stay this way, if I can.

I understand those movies like 'Phenomenon' where something happens and suddenly the person is given extra abilities or senses. I feel like that now. I feel like I could learn anything, do anything, fairly easily. It's like I can see crystal clear how the world works.

I'm so grateful that nothing bad happened with my kids while I was on auto pilot. It could have been so much worse. My auto pilot - beccarose - my pseudonym for everything. She's the one who's lived my life for the past 20 years. Even within her were pretty extreme variations. This me, is like my 'Jane' (from the three faces of Eve) - aware, integrated (I hope). It'd be nice if she were here to stay.

Beccarose was unaware that anything was wrong. Really unaware. She was unable to learn easily, unable to reason easily, unable to deal with changes to her environment, unable to tolerate stress. I'm amazed I did as well as I did under her control. Because my senses were so dulled, I didn't have to ability to really understand what was making me feel anything, so everything was a big deal. Everything was overwhelming. Now, it's almost like nothing is.

I almost feel like I don't have an identity now. I am aware of who I am, but I don't have a name. Beccarose had a name. I guess I'm just Becky. The 'real' one.

There are similarities between Beccarose and Becky, of course. Fundamentally, I am the same person. The hard part for other people to get will be that those two personalities are distinctly different as well. Beccarose is impulsive, immature, emotionally driven and doesn't think about consequences if she can help it. Becky is still sense oriented, but her brain - the logical, objective part is turned on too. Becky hasn't dealt well with negative emotions, though. She retreats pretty quickly when they come. I have to learn to integrate.

I know when people read this they're going to want to drug me up and send me to an institution, but I'm really not crazy. Well, maybe I have a disorder, but now that I'm so aware of the way it works, I don't think it will be able to control me anymore. I guess we'll see. I have enough people watching me that I think if I fall into real trouble again, they'll intervene. I'm hoping, though, that I'll be aware enough not to let Beccarose surface all alone again.