MIsc

It's amazing how clear my childhood memories are now - pre Pa. And how dim my teenage years and the past 10 years have become. I'm glad I still do have some memories. Some are still pretty clear - like having all my babies. My wedding day. Our honeymoon. Angel's birth. Even events like the kids' birthdays. But every day life is a blur of nothing specific, just a general feeling of survival and fogginess. I bet if I looked through pictures now, I'd remember more clearly. Slowly I feel like beccarose's experiences are being integrated with my memories, making me and my life one whole thing. It takes a little bit of effort to dredge up stuff that's so vague, but as soon as I do it become clear and permanently fixed.

I've been wondering more and more what people's impression of me was. If I'd interacted with me, I'd have thought I was this brain dead, distracted, clueless person who couldn't reason themselves out of a paper bag. Yet I know some people thought I had it all together. I really wasn't trying to be hypocritical, I was just trying to survive the best way I could and, generally speaking, that meant controlling my environment in every way possible. Things really unraveled at the end. I was having a harder and harder time keeping things together.