Sudden Clarity

Today has been a day of *extreme* clarity for me. For whatever reason, whether it's the Prednisone or God finally opening my eyes, it's like my vision has not only been corrected to 20/20 but I've been given a magnifying glass to examine different areas of my life with new sight. It's not exactly that so much has changed, it's just that suddenly everything that was so blurry and obscure before has been zoomed into sharp focus.

I've realized that to die to self doesn't mean denying oneself pleasures, it simply means being aware of and more concerned with the well being of other people. To die for the sake of Christ isn't putting on a new sort of behavior or even attitude, it's purging yourself of wrong desires and motives and letting Christ's goodness and holiness take their place. These two truths might be simple, but the effect is profound.

Parenting: I've always known my biggest issue is patience. I've even known this is because I'm selfish, but I've never really had a full understanding of how to change that. Instead of focusing on getting rid of my selfishness, if I instead focus on loving my children - caring more about their needs than my own desires, more about their upbringing than my time schedule, more about their joy than my own boredom - patience ceases to be a struggle. When they're disobeying and having a bad attitude, caring about their understanding of their relationship with God and the behavior and attitudes that loving Him produces will bring about a patience and temperance that I've never had before.

Housework: My preference is to live in a clean, orderly environment. I don't think there's anything wrong with that - nor do I think it's wrong to try to teach my kids to take care of their stuff and be considerate of other people. But the bottom line is, it is NOT of utmost importance. Things are things. And while we are charged to be good stewards of what we have, they are just possessions that God has been kind enough to bestow us with. The thing that matters most in life is people. People's relationship with God and people's relationships with each other. Everything we do in life should be pointed in that direction. There is an element of truth in making my house a home and an environment in which my children and my guests can be comfortable and thrive. But it should not cause friction in my relationships. It should not become THE priority. Ever. Getting work done around the house should be viewed as a privilege (since I prefer it to be neat) and I should be satisfied and more than content to nurture my children and friends first and foremost.

Marriage: My conclusion is this. If the two people have the right perspective about marriage, any two people can have a successful marriage. Of course there will be personalities, likes and dislikes, attractions that go better with some than others, but marriage is a contract between two people to live life together, raise a family together and show the relationship of God and His church on earth. Marriage is not about romance or being 'in love'. Marriage is not about having all your desires met by your spouse. The love in marriage is an active one - it's the love you show to all people - caring more about the other person's well being than your own. The thing that is unique in marriage is the physical aspect of it, not the emotional one. Being in love and romantic is nice and fun - but not necessary or required. It's another thing that should be considered a gift, if and when it happens, and perhaps a preference (if you really desire it - and not everyone does to the same degree) otherwise, but not something that's lacking in your partner if it doesn't exist. The feelings of being completely satisfied and content with life come from God, not from people. I'm blessed to have someone who I really LIKE as a husband. I'm blessed that he makes it easy for me to actively love him (most of the time :) ) and I'm very grateful for the times when I feel 'in love' with him, though even when I don't, it doesn't change a thing. I am satisfied and content to be married to him, to live my life with him, to work beside him, serve him, have fun with him and just be his friend.

God: The thing I've struggled with the most is the concept of God being my 'all in all'. It's been something I've been trying to get someone to explain to me for years. This is what I've figured out: God IS my all in all. It's just a fact. Whether or not I choose to believe it doesn't change the fact that it's a fact. And believing it doesn't exactly change my feelings either, and it certainly doesn't change my circumstances. (Have I blogged this already? It sounds familiar.) But, really realizing that this IS the truth does change something deep inside. God is no longer just my safety net - he is my GOD - walking next to me, living life with me, not just hanging around waiting for me to fall (not that He was before, that's just how I was treating Him). I have a lot to learn, but I feel like the pathway to learning is now open. My mind, heart and soul are available for reseeding because I've gotten rid of all the weeds and nasty stuff that was taking up room.

Life in general: It's all a process. My clarity today may not be so present tomorrow and my circumstances will change and be hard and my mood will change and I might get depressed or tired. I might get sick. All these things affect my mind. The difference is that I've achieved this state of mind and I know it is possible. I really believe truths now that weren't firmly rooted before, even though I might have been aware of them. I'm hoping that because of this my depressions won't be so low, my moods won't swing so wildly, my perspective will stay more centered, my priorities will remain correct. It gives me hope to think that maybe I'll be able to keep all this in mind and more easily rise above all the imperfections about life. I think we're made to want perfection. It's how God intended our lives to be. We ruined it with sin. We'll never attain it again until we get to Heaven. But we're still geared towards wanting it. The best anyone can do is let Christ live in his heart and mind and soul. That is the closest we'll get to Heaven on earth and, compared to the hell I've live in for the past two years, it's a very sweet deal indeed.

I'm a daydreamer. I think I always will be. I used to use it as an escape from reality because I didn't want to deal with what was going on. I was too overwhelmed with my own desires to be able to be happy with what I had. My escape now is the truth. I can live there all the time and be completely engaged in my world. And I can still daydream for fun. I see life, in sharper focus than ever before and instead of wanting to dull the edges I just want to notice every little detail of it.