Why in heaven's name did I decide to home school Molly? (Even as I type that, I know the answer. Even with all the frustration and stress the idea of taking her someplace else causes even more...) Seriously, though, little frustrates me more than technology that won't work.
I've been skirting the edge of a breakdown for a while now and I think this morning might have tipped the scales. I can't stand my house being a mess. I can't stand being so tired I have no motivation to do anything (not even fun things!). I'm sick of perpetually being behind on things I need (and want) to get done. I just hate this.
For a year and a half now we've been stagnant. Just sitting around waiting for life to get easier. I'm beginning to think it's not going to and nothing is going to change unless I pull energy from somewhere and just work myself into the ground. I was so tempted to pop a vicodin today, just because I knew it would make me feel spacey and not care so much about everything that's going on. I think at heart I'm a drug addict.
I don't know how people can be completely devoted to their children and get anything else in life accomplished. It's not like my kids don't help me or hang out with me while I'm doing things, but I get interrupted all the time. And that's more tiring that just working full tilt until the job is done.
I hate clutter. Crap just everywhere. It doesn't matter if it's "organized" or put away where you can't see it. I hate stuff that sits around, not being used, collecting dust, taking up space. If I got rid of everything we haven't used within the past year, I bet I'd cut our "stuff" down by at least half. Where's the balance between the stuff that you don't use often, but is worth having when you do and the stuff that isn't?
It's 1/4 after 12 and I've gotten exactly nothing accomplished today. I spent 2 hours wasting my time trying to get school going for Molly. I'm sorry but I can't sit around waiting 10 minutes for pages to load (if they load at all). I got a shower. Whoop-de-do. At least I won't stink when I take Maggie to the doctor's this afternoon.
Yes, she's sick... again. If she ever got well to begin with. I swear she's been sick for the past year. I'm so tired of seeing her with tears in her eyes because she's so stuffy they have no where else to drain. I'm tired of hearing her say her throat hurts. I'm tired of hearing her say she's tired. I'm tired of hearing her say she hurts. Why, with all the technology and advancements, we can't make a little girl have a childhood that she'll enjoy looking back on?
And I'm beginning to hate this house because it's sapping energy and time out of our family. It's so hard to get anything done with the two little ones and it takes forever to do things like yard work (lol because I haven't done anything with the yard in over 2 years). I just want to move someplace where I can get things done without having to go up and down two flights of stairs 50 times a day.
And, while I'm complaining about everything, would it be too much to ask for my kids to sleep through the night once in a while? I was up at least every hour last night until 5:30 when I finally HAD to sleep and just didn't respond when Liam started crying. So Bob finally got up with him. How am I expected to get anything done when I don't get any sleep?
I just can't take life the way it is, the way it has been, anymore. Something has got to change now. I just don't know how it's going to happen.