Crappy Day, Crappy Day

Actually, I suppose it's not that bad, I just can't see well at the moment... I'm not sure what my contact is doing...
It appears I have a publicist as well. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It makes me feel self conscious. Like now I have to write something really profound.
I have to go out shopping to day, at least to get formula for the kids. I'd like to get some clothes for them and a few other things, but since we are on our way to bankruptcy, I guess I won't.
I hate spiders. At the moment three is one crawling on the wall next to my desk. Hold on - have to kill it.
I don't have much to do today. Buy formula. School with Molly. Prepare some food for dinner - we're having company around 6. I'd like to get at least the first floor in decent order and maybe even clean the bathroom. I get so tired of living in a crap heap.
I broke down and made the chocolate substitute last night. It definitely does not taste like chocolate but it satisfied most of my sweet craving.
I'm struggling with the diet. It's not so much that it's hard to do, it's the idea of giving up all those yummy foods for good. And that there are a lot of things I have to make from scratch now, which is pretty inconvenient with 4 little kids. I need to go through my cabinets and separate out the stuff that I can't eat. Some of it I'm giving to my sister. There are a few things I'm not going to take away from the kids. Cheerios. Breads - although I will start buying whole grain. Zone Bars. I told them last night that once all the cookies and things are gone we're not going to buy any more. They didn't really like it, but maybe we can ease them into it. We don't eat too much of that stuff anyway, so I'm not sure they'll really notice all that much, especially if I come up with some kind of substitute. The whole things is so expensive and takes so much more planning. I guess I'll get used to the planning... but we're looking out of a hole right now as far as money goes. I'm so hoping this next year is easier.
I just don't understand where all the money goes. I mean, I know there are some things that are expensive (like this whole diet) but, for the most part, on paper it works out and then in real life, it doesn't. We always make a budget and stick to it for a while and then something always happens and we get out of it and then we get all upset about it and decide we don't care and then we're really irresponsible for a while and then we get stressed about it and then tighten the reigns so much that it's impossible to follow and then sit down and make a budget and stick to it for a while... Our most expensive months are from about mid-October to mid March or so. That's only 5 months. That leaves more than half the year that we should be able to follow whatever budget fairly easily. It's not a good sign that we're headed towards the expensive months already stressed about money.
I used to think that most people carried at least a little bit of debt. Now I'm not so sure - at least not in our circle of friends. The thing is, we've cut so many corners and already do so much - I just don't know what else we can do. I wish I had gotten my grandfathers coupon cutting gene.
I feel like I can't even think rationally about it. It's really hard for me to think about anything when my house is a mess. I know that probably sounds retarded, but it's true. My brain is even more connected with my atmosphere than it used to be, probably because I have less capacity to multi task (brain-wise, anyway) and I really hate mess.
Well, all the kids are downstairs now, so I really need to get moving on the day. Ugh... I just want to go back to bed!