I've been missing writing. I'll warn you - I have no focus right now, but maybe I will after I write some nonsense down.

I'm depressed again. Partially because of the season. I hate winter. I hate cold. I hate snow. I hate dark. Pretty much I hate everything about winter. Part of it is feeling lonely. I miss people. Whether they're dead or alive, the point is, they're not really a part of my life anymore and I miss them. I don't feel very well these days. I'm often in a lot of pain, tired - it's hard to focus through pain. I suppose part of it too is just trying to get back into things after a weekend away and having 'routine' interrupted by the kids being sick and snow days canceling school so we haven't gotten back to 'normal' yet. I'm not really sure how to engage my brain.

Today, for instance, I spent the day either in front of my computer or crashed out on the sofa - either sleeping or just sitting there, holding various assortments of children and staring out the window. There are lots of little projects I could do. Under my kitchen sink needs cleaned out and reorganized. The girl's party favor bags for their classmates need made up, laundry is rapidly getting to a place of NEEDING to be done, I should go through my clothes and make myself feel guilty about all the things I can no longer comfortably wear. There's always exercise. But, I did none of it. I didn't even think about any of it most of the time.

The fireplace in the basement is out of commission, so the basement is pretty much unusable until we get it fixed. It's just way too cold. This has been sort of nice from the point of view of no new messes down there. The kids have spent almost their entire days in the living room, rediscovering toys stashed in the hutch and/or watching TV. I feel pretty confined, though. Like that whole floor of my house is missing and everything is more cramped and claustrophobic than usual.

I haven't even felt like taking and processing pictures. I dreamed, this afternoon, that Bob died in a car crash and I had to come up with a way to make $400 dollars a day to live on. The only thing I could think of was taking pictures and I was frantically trying to come up with 4 clients a day and time leftover to process the pics and time besides that to create backgrounds in my yard and house. I was very stressed by the time I woke up.

I've missed out on church things lately, because of either the kids or I not feeling well or scheduling conflicts, and that always shifts my perspective to the negative. It's really hard to have more than a narrow view when day to day scenery consists of one or two rooms. (However, sometimes I think having one, white, padded cell would be nice.)

I need sun. I need warmth. I need fresh air and freedom. Winter is so bulky and cumbersome. 48 days till the Vernal Equinox. But we're in Pennsylvania, so you have to wait till Summer Solstice for it to really warm up. I really hope that by the time Bob and I go to Virginia Beach in May I'm over this whatever it is and can focus again. It'd be nice if it happened tomorrow.